I was enormously threatened by Valerie.
“I’m sorry, I should have given you the benefit of the doubt.” Emma shook her head. “And I don’t mean to drag down our whole day. I promise I will call dad more often.”
Amazingly, my thoughts of Valerie and how mad I was at her faded away as Emma and I had a few vegan friendly beers— her convictions didn’t extend to yeast— and we chatted. Mostly about Neil. Emma told me all about how much he spoiled her as she’d grown up. He’d protected her, too. The only one of his girlfriends besides me that Emma had ever met was Elizabeth.
“I know he must have been seeing women but he didn’t introduce me to anyone until he was serious, and that was Elizabeth.” Emma dug into a plate of pumpkin ravioli made with soy cheese and eggless pasta. “So, I take it you guys are pretty serious.”
“He didn’t mean for us to meet, though,” I reminded her. Although I hated to. It had been the single most embarrassing moment of my life. “I mean, obviously we would have met at Christmas, since I ended up over here.”
She tilted her head as she examined my plate of hot and sour tofu with grilled asparagus. “You could have ordered a burger, you know. I wouldn’t have been offended.”
“I’m actually really liking the whole vegan thing. I think it’s... well, it’s not helping me lose weight, because all I’ve been doing is sitting around. But it’s keeping me from gaining too much.” I lifted a chunk of asparagus with my fork. “So, thank you. I never would have even thought of trying it out on my own.”
“Oh. Well... You’re welcome.” She looked pleased with herself as she took another bite.
After lunch, and a dessert round of beer, we took a fairly light-headed shopping trip. I let Emma show me the best stores, though our fashion tastes were somewhat different. And I did spend some of Neil’s money. Not a lot of it, but some of it.
While we browsed at a store called Koh Samui, Emma told me a bit about her relationship with Michael.
“I know dad hates him.” Emma held up a sheer black blouse and considered it. “Has he ever mentioned why?”
“Nothing specific. Basically he’s having the problem all overbearing fathers have. Some demented horndog male is putting his perverted hands all over daddy’s little girl.”
“Well, when you make it sound like that, it doesn’t seem creepy at all.” She made a face, either at the blouse or me, but I couldn’t tell which.
“Your father has very set ideas about what roles everyone plays in his life. You were supposed to stay a little girl forever.” I shrugged. “It’s not creepy, it’s just sort of... unfortunate.”
The weight of that thought hit me, and I felt like I might need a chair to sit down. Was that the reason I’d felt so isolated from Neil during his treatment? Because he’d slotted me firmly into the “girl I have hot sex with” compartment in his brain, and since we weren’t having hot sex, he didn’t know what to do with me?
That was fucking awful. It would mean that our entire relationship was based on our physical compatibility and nothing else. At least, nothing else for him. Was I just the younger woman, after all?
“Sophie, are you all right?” Emma’s brow furrowed with concern. “You look quite pale.”
“Yeah, um.” I lifted a hand to my temple, but I didn’t feel any pain. I just needed to get out of the store. I needed to be alone. Possibly with more alcohol. “I think I’m getting a headache. Not used to drinking before noon. Do you mind if we go back to the house after this?”
“Yeah, no problem.” She checked her phone. “Yikes, we’ve been out all day. Just let me pay for this, and I’ll meet you in the car.”
I waited in the back seat while Emma finished up in the shop. I held my phone in my hands and considered calling the house. It was a bit after five, and the sun was already beginning to set. Neil would probably be taking a nap to rest up for dinner. I didn’t want to wake him.
As we drove back to the house, I thought of how I could broach the subject of my epiphany with Neil. He wouldn’t want to hear about it, I was sure. Neil lived his life as though he could bend reality through sheer force of will and denial. Leukemia had already knocked that worldview down a few pegs, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be the jerk who knocked him down the rest of the way.
Emma was quiet on the ride home, probably because of my fake headache. Which made me feel guilty for lying about it, but it was way easier than explaining that I’d succumbed to a sudden bout of emotional turmoil.