“It’s not that impressive, they pass them out like hard candy if you pay enough in taxes.” He could barely keep a straight face. “Besides, I’m just an MBE.”
“I’m an American. I don’t know what that means,” I chirped happily.
He shook his head in playful exasperation. “The difference is—”
“What makes me an American, and I’d like it to stay that way.” I leaned forward and kissed him.
“You knew quite a lot about me, then, when you decided to get into this mess. I can’t help but feel a bit relieved.”
I sat back on my heels. “Why’s that?”
“Because I sometimes feel guilty. I feel like I’ve thrown you into a rather deep pool.” He cut me off as I began to protest. “I know. You can handle anything. And I truly believe that you can. But I’ve worried that I was unfair to you, bringing you here, into a totally different way of life on so many levels.”
“And that’s why you wanted to give me money in your will?”
“I’m not just talking about the money, or cancer. You haven’t had many serious relationships. And while you’ve had a lot of sexual experience, you’ve never been a sub to anyone the way you are to me.”
I realized I was nervously clicking my nails on my bottom teeth, and I stopped myself. “It sounds like you’re saying I’m in over my head, and you regret this.”
“No. Never.” He took my hand and brought it to his lips, giving me the gentlest kiss. “I wouldn’t trade a moment of what we’ve had. I just wish that it didn’t have to change us.”
“I think it’s making us better.”
“I suppose what I should have said was, I hate the thought that I might die, and that it would change you. You would become a version of Sophie that I would never know. One I can’t properly imagine.” He shook the dark thought away. “I’ve been framing everyone in my life this way lately. Trying to imagine what they would feel if I were gone. And I’ve thought about the baby.”
“The b—” The word died on my lips.
He looked me in the eye, nothing but the best intentions written across his features. “If this is hard for you to hear...”
It would be. But it might have been harder for him not to say it. “Not at all.”
His uncertain smile informed me that he wasn’t believing a word. But he went on. “I think about what would be happening if you were pregnant right now. Maybe I wouldn’t have lived to see my child born. And you would have been alone. That would change you. Maybe it would have destroyed the Sophie I left behind. That absolutely terrified me. So I thought if I gave you the money... if you could keep living the life I would have given you...”
I laid a comforting hand on his arm. “You thought if you did that, I wouldn’t be changed at all.”
“Yes,” he admitted with a sniff. “I know it’s stupid. I know that you love me and you would be crushed by my death. I’ve known that, even before you admitted it. I shouldn’t have let our argument go so far.”
“You hurt me.” I wasn’t going to let him forget that right now, or forgive him so close to the transgression. “You made me look like a fool in front of Valerie. If it had been anyone else... but it was Valerie.”
“You really hate her,” he said with a wavering smile.
I shrugged. “Yup. Don’t do that to me again, okay?”
“All right. From now on, I will not involve Valerie in personal business without consulting you.” He considered a moment. “This excludes business at Elwood and Stern, of course. I’m not going to run to you for permission over every little teleconference.”
“Well, obviously.” I rolled my eyes at him.
“Sophie, I want to make this very clear. Valerie is not a threat to our relationship.” He held up his hand to keep me from leaping in. “I have made some very unwise decisions in my life. My relationship with Valerie was one of them. The only good thing that came of dating each other was Emma.”
“Just don’t give her another opening to humiliate me,” I warned him. “That’s all I ask. And stop dealing with me the way you would deal with Emma.”
“I’m not—”
“I know it’s difficult and uncomfortable to hear me make that comparison, but tough shit. You try to protect me the same way you try to protect Emma, by trying to horn in and decide the course of my life. And by the way, that’s not going to work out with her for much longer, either.”
He sighed wearily. “I’ve been told that many times. Since she was six years old. I’ll step back, eventually.”
“When is eventually?” I teased.
“A full minute after they take me off life support.”