Meanwhile, I’d gained ten pounds since February. It was probably water weight, considering how much of it I’d been chugging lately.
Mom toed off her shoes and said, “Yes, they are. Aren’t they beautiful?”
“And you’re rocking the peacock feather thing,” Holli went on, indicating Mom’s bathing suit cover-up. Holli wasn’t kissing ass. She genuinely liked my Mom’s sense of style. Sometimes, I felt like I was in a parallel universe with Mom and Holli working at the same Chico’s together.
“So,” Holli went on as Mom pulled off her cover up and stuck her toes in the water. “You’re getting married.”
“Oh!” Mom hurried to take off her ring and placed it carefully on one of the lounge chairs. “Thank you. Yes, I am.”
“That’s amazing. Sophie, is that not amazing?” Holli beamed at me. “You’re gonna have a dad!”
I forced a weak smile. While she knew about my daddy issues, she couldn’t have had any idea how deeply her words impacted me. But while I tried to keep a brave face, it was impossible to pull off. My voice trembled as I tried to squeak out, “Yeah. Amazing.”
“Soph?” Holli asked, sitting up. “Are you okay?”
I turned to my mom, because tears were already leaking from the corners of my eyes. “This is not about you and Tony. At all. I’m happy for you. I just…had a really confusing and bad experience at the class reunion.”
“What happened?” Mom sank into the water beside me, pulling her hair back in a sequined scrunchie so the bleached strands wouldn’t hit the chlorinated water.
“I…” If I broke the news to her, would she feel bad? Sad? It wasn’t like she’d harbored some kind of secret love for my father. They’d hooked up at a party in high school, and she’d gotten pregnant with me. It wasn’t exactly the world’s most epic love story. I didn’t want to see her reaction, so I looked down at my feet far below the churning water. “Joey Tangen is dead.”
“Holy shit,” Holli breathed. “Sophie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“It’s okay.” I waved a hand. I still didn’t want to look my mom in the eye. I’d spent so much time in my youth blaming her or threatening to run away to find him. I didn’t want her to think I was trying to take the joy out of her engagement, too. “It’s not like I knew him. It’s just…the death of possibility. I think that’s what’s bothering me more than him actually being dead.”
“Oh, honey.” Mom moved to put her arm around me, but I held up my hands.
“No, really, I’m okay. I had my big freak out. Let’s not bring on another, okay?” I pleaded.
Mom looked like she didn’t know how to do anything but hug me, and now, I’d left her at loose ends. Then, she frowned. “Wait, how did this come up at the class reunion?”
“He has other kids—one married my high school crush. If you can believe that luck,” I joked grimly.
Holli raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, lucky her, as you relax in the hot tub on your Hamptons compound that’s owned by your sex machine husband with his huge—”
“Whoa! Whoa!” Mom held up her hands. “I do not want to hear about any of that.”
“Oh, please, like you’re not going to play Never Have I Ever with us at your bachelorette party.” Holli punctuated her statement with a long swig from her bottle.
Mom turned back to me. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this while we were still in Calumet?”
“There really wasn’t a good time. I was really freaked out the night it happened, and the next day, you were all engaged. I didn’t want to shit on your happiness.”
She looked heartbroken. “Soph, honey. It’s not shitting on my happiness to be upset about your father dying, whether you were close to him or not.”
“I wouldn’t call it being ‘not close’. I would call it being a total nonentity to him.” How could that hurt and not hurt at the same time? “But I also needed some time to think. I wasn’t withholding to spite you.”
“I would never think that,” Mom promised.
“I just don’t want to make any rash decisions about all of this. I have to decide what to do from here. Do I contact my…his kids? They haven’t contacted me.” That had been the constant loop in my head since the night of my big panic attack freak out. If they knew I existed and they didn’t contact me, did they really want to know me? Or were they thinking the same thing about me? Could I handle the rejection if they didn’t want to know me? It wasn’t like I wasn’t used to being rejected by my father’s family. I’d been practicing my whole life.
“You don’t have to decide that, now,” Holli said.