Cave Man Make Baby (The First Mountain Man)

So when I dress and pack for the jungle, I do just that. I pack bug spray and sunscreen, plenty of protein bars, and iced coffee in a can for liquid fuel.

I put on sturdy boots, and over my bathing suit, I wear cargo shorts and a sensible Dry-Wik top. I fold up a raincoat just in case it gets stormy before I come back to the hotel that I've checked into.

The authorities don't know Fancy like I do. She loves to explore. She loves to go off the beaten path. It's where she feels safest, and I can relate to that. Our lives have never been normal. We were abandoned before we learned to read. We are survivors in the truest sense of the word, so maybe Fancy's out there surviving.

I follow the trail from the Palm Paradise parking lot and find myself on a path in the jungle. I can see it's been traveled on quite a bit, and at the end of the path, there's a fork in the road.

Thinking of Fancy, I take the one less trodden and begin to explore. I see an entrance to a cave and, considering my best friend, I decide to explore it. There’s a narrow entrance, and it looks like a tunnel system of interconnected caves. I put on my headlamp, because of course I packed a headlamp, and flip it on the moment I enter the dank space. There are stalagmites and stalactites growing from the floor and the ceiling, and I look at the mud on the walls, thinking it might work really well for a mud mask.

I've never considered using Mayan Clay. I've been working so hard to get my apothecary and body care business off the ground, and haven't quite made a niche for myself yet. But maybe I need to look at more exotic ingredients for my blends.

This is what I'm thinking about as the earthquake happens.

I say earthquake because that's the only way I can describe what happens next. The walls begin to shake, the floor begins to rumble, and the water at my feet begins to slosh over my boots. I brace myself on the cave wall, scared.

"What's happening?" I shriek, but there's no one here to hear me. There's nothing at all.

I try to get out of the cave the way I came. If there's an earthquake happening, I don't think a cave is the place I want to be.

I start to cry, realizing it's really bad. My knees buckle and I fall to the ground, scraping up my feet, water covering me. I hold onto a rock, hoping to secure myself when my feet slip out from under me. I am submerged in water, then pulled by a current.

How is it possible for a wave to be rolling through this tunnel?

My body is pushed forward, and it's like a chute has opened up. Like I’m on the log ride at Disneyland, only I’m being pushed through the flume all on my own, no barrel to carry me.

It's a water slide, propelling me forward at an alarming pace. The incline is dangerous and I brace myself by crossing my ankles and pinning my arms over my chest. I close my eyes and hold my breath and hope that wherever this water chute takes me, it's somewhere safe.

When I come to and open my eyes, I realize I'm floating in a lagoon. I blink, confused, not expecting to have made it out of that earthquake alive.

The sky overhead is blue, the sun is out. Gasping, I tread water, wanting to reach the water’s edge.

But before I can reach it, a giant water animal emerges from the pool, its neck long, its mouth full of teeth and its eyes on me.

I shriek in terror, scrambling out of the water, moving as fast as I can. I get to the opposite shore, finding my footing in the muddy bank as two men emerge from the jungle.

These are not like any men I've ever seen before.

They are not paleontologists and certainly not the authorities.

These are wild men – like Tarzan, only this is no animated movie.

This is real life.

"Holy shit," one of them shouts. "It's a woman!"

The other one growls, "She's mine."