“Pity? Are you delusional, or just this scared?” The fear swimming in her green eyes told me the answer. “Oh my god, you are that scared.” I couldn’t believe it. “I thought you were so strong and so brave, tough and scared of nothing. But you’re scared of this, of us, of how you feel when we’re together. It terrifies you.”
“It doesn’t,” she insisted in a shaky voice.
“It does, and that’s okay because it scares me too. I just thought you were stronger than me.”
She let out a bitter laugh. “Of course I’m scared, Antonio. I’m not your type and you don’t do commitment, what kind of fool would I be to expect more from you? If I can’t expect more then I can’t waste my time.”
“More excuses.” I smiled, relieved now that I understood she was just better at hiding her fear.
“Go away, Antonio.” Her words were uttered with exhaustion not rejection.
“I will, for now, but know this Augusta. I want you too damn bad to run away, so I’ll be here. I’ll keep showing up and I’ll keep being here for you, until you believe it.”
She gasped at my words.
I nodded and pressed another kiss, hard and too short, to her mouth before I pulled back with a smile.
Then I did what she asked, I turned and walked out of the hospital with a big ass grin on my face.
She was mine.
She just didn’t know it yet.
Gus
I stood on my father’s doorstep and kicked the door with one foot because both hands were filled with grocery bags. “Dad, it’s me. Open up.” For just a fraction of a second, I worried when I didn’t hear movement on the other side of the door. But I quickly relaxed when he yanked open the door and frowned at me.
“Augusta? Why didn’t you use your key? Bangin’ on my door like you’re the law.” His brows furrowed deep and he took one of the bags from me.
I smiled up at him. “I thought maybe you were entertaining a woman and I didn’t want to catch an eyeful.” He glared at me and I laughed. “Your words, not mine.”
“Yeah, yeah, you’re a smart-ass just like me. Come on in. Tell me you brought me something other than broccoli and carrots.”
“I did,” I answered and followed him inside. “But I also brought broccoli and carrots. And cauliflower. And zucchini.”
“Thank god for small favors,” he growled. “And thank you for giving a damn about an old man.”
“You’re not just an old man, you’re my dad.”
He waved off my words with a grunt. “What’s going on with you and Antonio?”
I blinked at the abrupt change in subject. “Nothing. Why do you ask?” I did my best to act like I didn’t know what he was talking about.
Dad laughed, more like guffawed and pointed at me. “That’s strange because the whole dang town is talking about how he laid one on you in the middle of the hospital. And in The Outpost parking lot. That’s lots of smooching for nothing.”
“That’s all it was, Dad, a few kisses.” Kisses meant nothing to a man like Antonio, who could have any woman he wanted. He took them for granted and I refused to read the emotions I felt in those last two kisses, because they were one-sided.
He didn’t feel the want, the need, the desire to know more. To be more. He wanted the physical and nothing else. He cherished his bachelorhood more than he wanted me, and I had to accept it.
If I knew why I wasn’t worth the effort, that might make it easier. “Dad, can I ask you a question?”
“Anything. Shoot.”
“Why didn’t you try to give up drinking for me?”
His gaze shifted downward, guilt tugged at his features.
“It’s not an accusation, Dad. I just want to know. Please?” I was a medical professional, so I knew it wasn’t just that easy, but maybe he had some insight that I didn’t.
Dad sighed and turned a sorrowful gaze in my direction. “I was too deep in my own misery and my own depression to save my own life. I wanted to, more than anything, for you. Only for you. Every time I looked into your sad eyes, I wanted to do better. To be better. Hundreds, maybe thousands of times, I wished I was that man, the one who could just kick the habit and give you the upbringing you deserved. I just wasn’t strong enough.”
I listened carefully, and mostly what I heard was just how hard things were for him. That he wanted his drink and his misery more than he wanted me. “I understand, Dad.”
“Do you? Because I don’t think you do.” He shook his head and rubbed a hand over his grey hair. “Addiction is powerful, and no matter how much I wanted it, I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t hit rock bottom yet. That didn’t happen until you finally left my sorry ass to fend for myself.”