I take a deep breath.
I don’t feel well. I’ve been chilled and nauseated all morning. I want to crawl into bed and stay under the covers.
But I can’t. I have to walk the kids to school because my car is on the fritz, and the law says they have to attend school.
“Let’s go,” I call back. “Now.”
They know this voice. It’s that of a woman on the edge. And they don’t usually argue when I’ve had to pull it out of my pocket and use it. After what feels like a damn hour, the kids are finally bundled up and ready to go.
The walk to school really isn’t that bad. It’s about four blocks, and the weather is mild today—no wind or snow.
If I didn’t feel like hell, I’d say it’s a nice day.
“I think school is stupid,” Kevin grumbles.
“Extra-stupid,” Kelsey agrees.
They’ve slipped back into being difficult and angry like they were over the summer.
We haven’t seen Sam in a month, and they’re acting out. They miss him.
Hell, I miss him.
But none of us can control his schedule.
Of course, two five-year-olds who already have insecurities from losing their parents don’t understand.
“Okay, be good, do you hear me? I don’t feel well today, you guys. Please just get through the day without anything crazy happening.”
“Bye,” Kevin says and runs off, not acknowledging me.
Kelsey waves and follows her brother.
“That went well.” I walk over to a bench and sit down, too tired to tackle the four blocks back home. Maybe I’ll just slip away from hypothermia out here. It’s not a bad way to go.
You just fall asleep.
Not that I want to die. I just feel like crap.
“Tash.”
I glance up and see Fallon standing on the sidewalk.
“Honey, you don’t look so good.”
“I don’t feel so good.”
“Where’s your car?”
“At home.” I point in the general direction of my house. “Doesn’t run well right now.”
“Come on, let me take you home.”
I don’t argue. I’m not stupid enough to try to pretend that I’m okay.
There’s absolutely nothing about me that feels okay right now.
“What’s going on?”
“I don’t know.” I rub my forehead. “I must just have a bug of some kind. I won’t breathe on you.”
“I’ll pick the kids up from school and take them home with me.”
“No.” I reach out and pat her arm. “I love you for offering, but you don’t have to do that. However, if you’d pick them up and bring them home, I’d appreciate it.”
“I can do that. Just let me know if you change your mind about the rest. Honest, I don’t mind.”
She pulls into my driveway, and I muster up the energy to thank her and walk into the house, straight back to my bed. I don’t bother to get undressed, I just climb between the sheets and huddle down.
I’m so cold.
And I just don’t feel well.
I want Monica.
I feel like I’m failing with the kids, and I’m lonely. I want to have a fucking conversation with my best friend.
I want to tell her that her brother is a big jerk. Even though he’s not a jerk. She would get what I mean.
And I want to ask questions about the kids. Why do certain things make Kevin so angry? Kelsey tells me I don’t tuck her in right, but I don’t know what the right way is.
I need to ask Monica.
And I can’t.
I’m blubbering under the covers when I hear someone walking down the hallway.
“I have a gun,” I call out weakly.
“Yeah, you scare me.” Gage appears in the doorway. “You look like shit.”
“I feel like shit. What are you doing here?”
“Fallon called. It’s a good thing she did. You need me.”
My bottom lip wobbles as I reach for my brother, but before he can sit next to me, I have to throw back the covers and run for the bathroom.
Oh, God. I’m dying.
“Whoa there,” Gage says. I can hear the water running, and suddenly, there’s a cool cloth on the back of my neck.
“You should go,” I say and reach for toilet paper to wipe my mouth. “I’m probably contagious.”
“Not leaving. You can’t take care of yourself, much less those kids. You’re stuck with me.”
He helps me get all cleaned up and then back to bed.
“I can’t do this,” I mutter as I sit up in bed. “I don’t know why I thought I could do this.”
“Do what, exactly?” My brother moves the bench from the end of the bed and sits next to me.
“So, Sam’s been gone for a month. A long, shitty month. And it’s been really…lonely. Especially because I don’t work, so I don’t get to see other people during the day.” I take the water Gage offers and take a swig. “Well, Sam got me a day at the salon for Christmas, and I went a couple of weeks ago. It was so nice. And not nearly as hard to be in the salon without Monica as I thought it would be. I mean, it was weird at first, but the longer I was in there, the more I kind of got over it. You know?”