My brother’s reply came through first.
Roque: He meant thigh. Ain’t no one in the history of someones who wants to think about Neil’s mom’s vagina. We met her, and I can confirm that through personal experience.
Dad’s followed it.
Dad: Alex, you’re just telling the truth with that. Both of his balls were part of what was left behind, because Cody’s proof of immaculate conception. He’s special.
His second one popped up at the same time as one from my sister.
Dad: And Roque speaks the truth on the asshole’s mother. JHC, I still have nightmares.
Maeve: Why was it so hard to just say it? The man’s a fucking piece of shit who should have been a beej. Truer words were never spoken. Glad my boy’s doing good and getting out tomorrow. Tell him his aunt will bring spoiling shit as soon as he gets home, so send me a text with what he wants.
Alex was typing on his screen with a frown, so I expected to see his name when mine pinged in my hand. But, instead, it was Dad and Roque, both replying at the same time.
And this was likely why we’d never had a family chat before now.
Dad: What’s a beej? Did you mean beef?
Roque: Swear to God, Maeve, never say beej again. Neither of my sisters knows what that is, and we’ll keep it that way.
Then Maeve replied to Dad.
Maeve: It’s a BJ, Dad. You know, a blow job.
Roque’s reply made me laugh. Unfortunately, dad’s made me want to get therapy and gouge my eyes out at the same time.
Roque: For fuck’s sake, Maeve. I don’t know which gas station's toilet wall you saw those words on, but they’re bad. You don’t want to do it. Remember when you got in trouble for saying the ‘c’ word when you were in high school and didn’t know what it meant? It’s worse than that.
Dad: Oh, I like beejes.
Making a gagging noise, I smiled up at Cody, who was watching me with amusement.
“They set up a family chat so I could update everyone on how you’re doing.”
When I stopped, not wanting to say anymore, he rolled his eyes and waved like he was saying, ‘just say it.’
“You don’t want to know. Trust me on that one.”
“She’s not lying. I didn’t even want to read what I’ve just read,” Alex agreed, making me blush.
I’d forgotten he was on there and could see what’d just been said.
Thankfully, whatever Dad had said had either shocked my brother and sister into not replying, or they’d done what they’d been threatening to do since they were old enough to know what it meant—they were playing in the traffic.
Unfortunately, my phone pinged, making my shoulders slump again.
Alex: I’m not even sure what to say after reading all of these. I thought I was being polite, but now I’m thinking I was just being offensive in holding back.
I was aware Roque knew Alex, so I wondered if he’d find it weird having him on the chat. But then again, as we could see, my family didn’t shy away from weird. No, they ran toward it with both arms open wide.
Maeve: Oops, I forgot we’d added him. Let it be known, Alex, I’m the normal one in the family.
Roque: Sorry, man, you’ll need to get used to this level of fucked up. Think of the Townsends and add a sprinkle of WTF on top of it.
Dad: My bad.
On a day that’d been as stressful and heartbreaking as this one—even though we’d had great news in the end—I didn’t think I’d be ending it with hilarity, but Dad’s response had me doubling over and snorting into Cody’s blanket.
“Mom?”
Fortunately, I had Alex there to answer for me, even though it came out choked with his own laughter.
“Your family forgot I was on the chat and said some things they shouldn’t have. After they realized, your grandad merely replied with, ‘My bad.’”
“They always do that, you know. The stuff that comes out of their mouths because they forget there are other people in the room is gross.
“Two weeks ago, Aunt Maeve told Mom how she’d looked up how to queef because she’d never done it before. I had my friend there for a sleepover, and neither of us knows what that even is.”
“That’s not something I’m familiar with either, but I’ll bet y’all know now,” Dave snickered. “You went and looked it up immediately, didn’t you?”
“Well, yeah, but when she saw us sitting at the table, she jumped and said she’d forgotten about us. Sheriff Bell, we were having freaking dinner at the time. How do you forget who you’re eating a meal with at the same table?”
My laughter got impossibly harder, and it felt like my lungs were going to break. It didn’t help that I could feel Alex’s laughter against my ass either, seeing as how he was pressed against it now.