In fact, it managed the impossible and woke my lazy dogs up, who started howling with Bernice the longer the scream went on.
Christmas Day….
There were people everywhere in the house.
I assumed when they’d suggested fun that it meant relaxing and maybe playing a game. Unfortunately, my boyfriend decided it was the best day to do a challenge.
“This is called the Toe of Satan,” Alex said as he laid out a lollipop in front of the three of us.
“Gross,” Sayla gagged. “Why call it the toe of anything?”
“The good news is that for today’s challenge, DB, Carter, and Raoul will be joining you.”
All three men looked at Alex like he’d lost his mind.
“Do we have to record this one?” I asked, looking at the number of phones pointed at us. “Couldn’t we just do a private challenge for once?”
I wasn’t sure how I was going to react to this lollipop, and if it was finding my inner Jacinda and screaming the house down, I didn’t want people witnessing that humiliation.
“Yup.”
“Wait,” Dave held up a hand. “What did we do wrong?”
“The poop face pillow? The hearing device—”
“That was an antique. We thought you’d appreciate us investing in something for you,” Carter argued.
The hearing device in question was indeed an antique and was used by people about a century ago to help them hear.
It was also a joke, so I wasn’t buying what Carter was trying to sell. I was also not buying this damn toe.
“Do you think Satan gets camel toes?” Jacinda whispered, staring at the lollipop. “With a toe like that, it’d have to be pretty spectacular.” Feeling us staring at her like she’d lost her mind, she rubbed her face with her hands. “Sorry, I’m nervous.”
“You have to keep the lollipop in your mouth for a full minute. If you don’t, you get to do one of the things the girls ranked as their most painful challenges of the year on their recap last week.”
I’d lived through that pain once, no way was I doing it again, so I’d be keeping this in my mouth for a minute. How bad could it really be? I’d survived some of the other chili challenges intact, and the ones I hadn’t, all it’d taken was a couple of days and three bottles of Pepto.
Unwrapping it, I stared closely. There weren’t any chili particles in, no bits that said danger. It was a clear candy that looked totally harmless.
“When I get to three, pop them in your mouths, and we’ll hit start on the timer,” Cody instructed, holding his phone up.
The way it looked was misleading. It wasn’t harmless, it was fucking evil.
Ten minutes later…
I hadn’t been able to feel my mouth, lips, or nose for almost ten minutes now, and at this point, I doubted I’d ever get the sensation back.
With my eyes streaming and yogurt pouring out of my mouth onto the grass, I tried to focus on breathing. Beside me were five other bodies, all scattered in various states of pain and taste bud decomposition.
Was my airway swollen, too?
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alex squat down beside where I’d landed when I’d run out here with the yogurt, but I couldn’t even move my head.
“You okay, baby?”
“Doh!” I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to fit my tongue in my mouth again.
Lowering his head so he could see under my hair, Alex shot me a smile.
“While I have you here, I need you to hear me out on something.”
Was he high? The only thing I had working properly was my hearing.
“Oh, hey, Principal Teller,” I heard Cody yell and closed my eyes against the embarrassment. Of all the people in the world that I never wanted to—constantly—see me in states like this, it was him.
“Mom tried that lollipop that’s ranked nine million on the Scoville unit. It’s called the Toe of Satan.”
“I see. And here was me thinking she’d at least have a day off. Is she alive?”
“She’s breathing,” Cody assured him. “And I checked her pulse a second ago.”
Had he? Jesus Christ, I’m telling you those things were death on a stick. I hadn’t even felt him do it.
“Anyway, while I’ve got you here, I wanted to tell you something. When I moved here, I never expected to get a new neighbor who’d pull me out of the trench I’d dug for myself. I was living life, but I wasn’t living life.”
I wasn’t living anything right now. I was at death’s door.
“I’d always walk away from our encounters wondering how you managed to make every situation weird and random, but after a while, I realized I was living for those moments. They made me smile, they made me laugh, and when I least expect it, they’d pop into my mind at work, and I’d start laughing again.”