“Fine. We’ll assume it’s true, but it really doesn’t make sense, does it? I mean, why the need to suddenly get hitched? We all know he’s been on a mission to spread his seed across the galaxy, fucking anything that breathes.”
“That could just be a rumor too,” Phoebe said, coming to our old friend’s defense. “I mean, we really don’t know for sure that he’s done half the desperate housewives in Manhattan.”
“Manhattan?” I said with a snicker. “I heard he also screwed his way through LA and Hollywood. If they made a reality show about that guy, it could go on for six seasons!”
Suzy laughed. “Hey, at least he’s wrapping that rascal. If he wasn’t, he’d have ten kids by now, not to mention ten STDs.”
Riley chuckled. “I swear, Charlie will stick that big dick of his in a
nything that moves.”
“I actually ran into him the other day,” Sara confessed.
“You did? And you didn’t get Chlamydia immediately?” Suzy joked.
“Not funny,” she said. “We talked for a while, and he said he’s just tired of the bachelor life and is ready to settle down.”
“And you believe him?” I asked her.
“Hell no! I mean, maybe, but I think he’s full of shit. He’s always just jumped from one conquest to the next, staying with women for three months, tops. He’s always had a revolving door on his relationships, and every girlfriend must exit accordingly. I wanna believe he’s changed, but I just don’t know.”
“If he does want to settle down, why? What’s gotten into him?”
“I don’t know,” Sara said with a shrug. “That’s why you need to get to the bottom of it. You were always the closest to him.”
Suzy set her drink down. “What’s the deal with men being whores anyway?” she said in her best Jerry Seinfeld voice.
I laughed. “The man-whore serial dater is the most baffling creature around. They’re obsessed with women and sex, hunters plagued by unquenchable lust. They’re impossible to tame.”
“Charlie might not be home. I bet he’s on the prowl for a good lay. You could go search his house for clues,” Suzy said.
“That’ll never work. “Heard he has a security system,” Sara said shaking her head. He’s still got his place all rigged up with security cameras. You’d get busted in ten seconds flat.”
“Not if I don’t show up on film.”
“What are you, some kind of vampire?” she teased.
“No, but all I need is a ski mask to hide my identity,” I said. “Then he’ll never know it’s me when he plays back the footage.”
They all laughed except Tammy, who looked at me with a frightened expression on her face. “Tell me you’re not serious.”
I pondered then shot back the rest of my martini. “Why not?”
“For starters, you could be charged with breaking and entering.”
“C’mon! He’s a childhood friend, Tammy. He won’t press charges on me,” I said, hoping I was right. “I just want to get to the bottom of a good mystery. If he catches me, he’ll probably take it as flattery, like I’m trying to stalk him or something.”
“He does think he’s God’s gift to women,” Phoebe said with a nod. She handed me a shot and I gladly accepted with a big thank you.
Tammy shook her head. “I can’t believe you’re actually crazy enough to do it.”
I finished my shot and slammed the shot glass down. “Any volunteers who’d rather go instead?”
“Hell no!” Suzy said. “You’re nuts! And personally, I think there’s more to it than just wanting to solve a good mystery.”
I sighed. “You’re right. There is.”
“Don’t tell me you’re crushing on Charlie,” Tammy said.