My Life as a White Trash Zombie (White Trash Zombie 1)

“Other zombies. Who the hell do you think?”

I narrowed my eyes. “Uh huh. And when you say distribute, do you mean you have a soup kitchen sort of thing set up for local zombies looking for a meal? Or do you sell them?” I had a feeling I already knew the answer. Zeke, the zombie who’d ambushed me with a tree, wouldn’t have been so desperate if there’d been a place to get free brains.

“I sell them,” he replied, practically spitting the words out. I could see that my failure to instantly buckle under was annoying him.

“Do you get them from the other funeral homes too?”

He lifted a shoulder in a shrug. He was working really hard to keep his cool, I had to give him that. “I get as much as I can. Look, this is an efficient system we have going on here. I don’t need you coming in and screwing everything up.”

I folded my arms across my chest. “So you’re telling me that you’re the only zombie who works in a funeral home?”

“I’m the only one in a position to take care of all the others,” he retorted. “If you think you’re going to come in here and cut into my business, you’re deluded.”

“Yeah, well, let’s get one thing straight, asshole. I have no intention of cutting into your business, okay? But I’m also not gonna let you screw me over.” I found myself smiling. I’d been in scenarios like this before, though they hadn’t been about brains. Maybe my less-than-pleasant history would come in handy after all. “See, I think what you want is for me to give you all the brains from bodies that don’t normally go to your funeral home. ’Cause right now you only get, what, maybe a fifth of the ones that come through the morgue?” His scowl told me I was on the right track. “But it’s not like you could be short of brains. I mean, you also get all the ones from the people who y’all pick up who don’t come through here. Nursing homes, hospitals, hospice deaths. . . .”

I watched a muscle in his jaw leap. “You have no idea how this works.”

I shrugged. “Yeah, maybe not. But I’ve dealt with your type before. I know you’re not the only zombie in this business.” I didn’t know for sure—there was always the chance that Zeke was the only other one, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense that zombies would automatically gravitate toward jobs where they could get a hold of brains with a minimum of hassle. “And I think that right now you’re just being a dick, trying to pressure me into handing everything over to you and cutting everyone else out—including myself.” I threw my hands up. “Do I really look that stupid?”

Kang’s lip curled into a sneer. “You didn’t even know you were a zombie.”

“Yeah, so? I was ignorant, but I’m not a fucking moron. Why would I give the shit to you just so I could buy it back from you later?” I leaned back against the counter. “Hon, you’re fucking with the wrong chick. I’ve been around too many drug dealers to buy into a scheme like that.”

He shocked me by bursting out laughing. “Drug dealers? Well, that’s an interesting analogy.” He shook his head but a sardonic smile stayed on his face. “All right, clearly I underestimated you. You’re serious about not wanting a cut of the action?”

I hesitated. I was already risking enough by taking the brains for my own use. If I was somehow caught profiting from it. . . . It felt skeevy, even though I could logically see that it was no more skeevy than a restaurant charging for food. “Yeah. I don’t need to do that.”

“But you’re still cutting into my supply,” he pointed out.

“Okay, well, how ’bout I leave the brains in the bags that are going to Scott Funeral Home. So nothing changes for you. And, if I get into a bind or something, you help me out, and vice versa.”

“And you’re going to keep all the rest?” He raised an eyebrow.

“That’s right,” I replied, putting as much defiance as I could into my tone. “We don’t get that many bodies through here. Y’all get a buttload more through the funeral homes.”

He grimaced. “Sure, but most of them are old. Taste old too.”

I resisted the urge to say something obnoxious like, “Suck it up and deal with it.” It was clear he wasn’t thrilled, but he also seemed to realize that this was as good a deal as he was going to get. “So, are you gonna tell me about zombies and how all this works?” I asked instead.

He started pushing the stretcher toward the door. “You’re a zombie,” he said, tone flat and curt. “You eat brains. What more do you need to know?”

I stared at him in shock for a split second, then scrambled to get between him and the door. “Seriously?” The word practically exploded from me as I planted my hands on the other end of the stretcher and stopped him. “Could you please turn off the dick mode for a few seconds? I’ve already said that I’m not going to cut you out. Don’t make me regret that!”

He glowered at me. “Fine,” he finally said. “But make it quick. I need to get back.”

I bit back a smartass retort. “You said you distribute brains. Surely that means you know who the other zombies in the area are, right?”

“Only a few,” he said with a shrug. “And trust me, none of the ones I know would be likely to have turned you. Too secretive, too scared of discovery. Most zombies don’t want anyone to know about them.” His mouth twisted. “Hell, most are pretty damn lazy. You burn fewer brains if you sit on the couch all day watching TV.”

I blinked. I hadn’t thought about it like that. A vision of a fat, redneck zombie sitting on his couch watching football and eating brains instead of popcorn swam up in my head, and I had to resist the urge to burst out laughing.

“And the ones I provide to, who aren’t lazy fucks,” he continued, “are either people who work only to make enough money to buy the brains they need, or people who don’t want to get their hands dirty and can afford to pay for delivery.”

“I suppose animal brains don’t do the trick?” I asked.

Kang gave a dry laugh. “We’d probably have a lot more zombies if that was true. But no, human brains are the only kind that give us what we need. And, in case you were wondering, zombie brains are no good either.” He shrugged. “This is why it’s not good to have too many of us in one place. Brains aren’t exactly easy to come by, and the last thing any of us needs is attention drawn to ourselves.”

A chill walked down my back as I tried to process that last statement, but he gave the stretcher a jerk, pulling me out of my thoughts.