The Daughter In Law

“Babe turn that off, we’re not doing that shit today.”

“But there could be an emergency.” My ass, I just want to listen to her level of insanity as the calls go by.

“Tough, let’s go, you need to relax after that long drive.”

“Hey, do you plan on treating me like I’ve somehow lost all my faculties this whole pregnancy? Because you know pregnant does not mean invalid. It means I am woman hear me roar, because obviously pansy ass men couldn’t do the job so us girls had to get ‘er done. So please stop with your brain fart ideas.”

“What’s that you’re eating? Give me that.” He snatched my candy bar and walked into the kitchen for a banana. “Here have this, it’s better for you.” I’m gonna kill that Siri bitch. All the way home I had to listen to her smarmy ass as he asked her dumb-fuck questions about what was best for me. This had to stop; I knew I should’ve checked that cray-cray gene.

I finally snuck away and called mom while in the bathroom taking a bath in the lukewarm water that was all I was allowed by Hitler. I was wondering when he would show up seeing as how momsie is Mengele personified, can’t have one without the other. “Mom I’ve got news but it’s twofold and I have to talk fast. First we’re pregnant…” Eardrums mom eardrums.

“You little shit, did you know while we were there?”

“Yeah but the timing was all wrong. Anyway you’re gonna have to celebrate impending baby mooching later I have a problem.”

“What kinda problem sweetie your witch in flaw again? by the way your husband rocks.”

“No not her and thanks but right now my husband’s cheese fell off his cracker.”

“What! What does that mean, what happened?”

I told her the stories and this clown howled with laughter, she thought it was the cutest thing.

“I don’t know what you’re complaining about, when I was carrying you and your brothers I had twenty four hour guards.”

“Mom you always have twenty four hour guards.”

“Not like this girlie. It was insane; your father was afraid I’d stub my toe and have a miscarriage. Some fool filled his head with all these horror stories and he made my life a living hell. Until I threatened to throw the female nurse slash spy out the window. So you see you have it easy, buck up.”

Well, no help from that corner. Shit. We talked for about ten minutes, in which time I realized that I had already been replaced by my unborn child. What is it with people and babies? A week ago her whole conversation was about this cute this and this amazing that that she was getting for me. Now we were planning shopping trips for the baby. I kept one ear pricked for the door because sure as shit he’d be up here soon to make sure I hadn’t drowned in the three inches of water he’d allowed me. He had work tomorrow, who knows what kind of hell that was gonna mean for me. Maybe they have a daycare for preggos. If they do he’d find it the nut.

Chapter 10

The next morning he wasn’t making tracks for the door. “Honey don’t you have work?”

“I’m taking a few days off.”

“From the army? How does that work? Isn’t that illegal?”

“No baby it’s not stop worrying and come ‘ere.” I went back to the bed and laid down, I know what he was after. I lifted my negligee so nutty could see that my tummy had not grown one iota since the last time he looked. He was being so cute, apart from the list of don’ts; that I was really starting to enjoy this whole pregnancy thing. I had no symptoms yet of course but he was in there.

“We’re going to the doctor first thing then I have a guy coming out to wire the house…”

“Wait, wire the house, wire the house for what exactly?”

“We’re beefing up security I’m having eyes put in around the property and inside. It’s for your safety baby I shoulda thought of it sooner, then what happened a few days ago wouldn’t …”

“By the way did you listen to your messages?”

“You’re not to worry about that shit; no stress remember.”