With a mock smile, he nods slowly. “I see. Yeah, it’s not your fault I did a two month stretch that”—he cocks his head—“would’ve been spent in the playoff had I not had your back. Again.” He shrugs nonchalantly, and my chest constricts. “But I don’t blame you, bro. That’s the difference between us. I never would’ve let that little cunt come between blood, but I remember how whipped you were. It’s all right.”
I’m across the room and bent over in his face, my hands gripping the arms of the chair, before he gets out the last word. My breaths leave my nose in hard bursts. “This is the only time I’m going to explain it to you,” I grit out. And the lid flies off. I don’t want one more second to pass where I enable the lies between us.
I glare down at him. “So listen, Jake. Listen close. Don’t ever bring Alyssa up again. You built that shit up in your head. Nothing went down the way you want to remember it. Nothing. All right?” I widen my eyes, mirrored fury flashing in his. “I owe you nothing.”
It’s taken me nearly four years to believe those words—I owe him nothing. And truthfully, it wasn’t until Ari that the final piece of conviction nailed into place. I’m not my brother. I didn’t hurt Alyssa; would never have wished that abuse on her no matter what she did to me. And I didn’t sick my brother on her that night.
His eyes squint as he holds my gaze. Then a faint smile touches his lips. “God, you’re still such a pussy. I should’ve just let those guys continue beating the shit out of you. Maybe it would’ve manned you up some. Instead,” he adds, shaking his head, “you never fucking grew a pair. You’re still letting everyone boss you around.”
“Not everyone,” I say, backing away from him. I cross my arms over my chest, the adrenaline coursing through my system making me shake.
He laughs. “Bro! Jesus, take it down a notch. I’m just fucking with you.” He pushes out of the chair and snatches his bag up off the floor. As he roots around in it, he brings out a bottle of liquor. Turning to me, he says, “She really was a little cunt, though. Any girl that’d post a video of you getting your shit kicked in all over the Internet deserved to get a taste of how it felt.”
And I deflate. Too many emotions are at war within me, all rioting with a vengeance to dominate. Anger over Jake’s actions. Hurt and rejection stemming from emotional wounds never quite healed. Humiliation from years of being belittled, bullied. But the one cresting right this second—fear.
Fear that if I don’t face down these demons once and for all, I could become Jake. Hating the world and blaming it and everyone in it for my weaknesses. My shortcomings.
I shake my head, releasing a stilted breath. “It wasn’t Alyssa who posted that video, Jake. It was her friends. I found that out later. And it was some dumb high school shit at that.” I walk toward my closet to change my shirt, getting ready to ditch this room and get us both out of this confining space. “And even if she had been the one to post it, she didn’t deserve to get her face smashed in. You’re sick. I don’t care how fucked up you were that night, or your claims that you don’t remember—” I pull the shirt over my head, turn toward him “—or the fact that you believe you were defending me. You took it too far. You always do. The team…maybe the team had it coming. But Alyssa? I couldn’t even go to my own graduation. I couldn’t stomach the thought of seeing her. I couldn’t even attempt to apologize for what my crazy-ass brother did to her!”
He makes a disgusted noise. “All those bitches and fuckers at that school…” He trails off, his face contorting in hard creases. “They’re probably all out there now, living it up off their daddy’s money. Fuck them. Do you think they ever think of us? Or you? The hell they put us through?” He shakes his head. “Maybe that one night taught them something, Ryder. They can’t just stomp on people and treat them like shit beneath their feet.”
God, he’s so delusional. I realized it before, but it’s never been so clear as right now. “I know you wanted to protect me,” I say, grabbing my jacket from my bed and catching his gaze. “For what it’s worth, as your brother, as your blood…I know that you hated seeing me suffer. For that, I’ll always love you. But for dad…” I stalk toward him and stop when I’m inches from his face; we’re now the same height. “I can’t have anything to do with you. I don’t want you coming back here.”
He points his finger in my face. “I had nothing to do with what happened to Dad.”
“Yeah, you did. And for a long fucking time, I thought I did, too.” I swallow hard. “I thought if I’d just somehow sucked it up, kept my mouth shut, you never would’ve found out about the video shit, then I could’ve prevented it. Then he never would’ve suffered a heart attack.”
He chuckles bitterly. “You really are a fucking pussy, you know that? That man had a heart condition for years, Ryder. He smoked two packs of cigarettes a day, and worked too damn much.”
“Maybe so, but the scandal? All those reporters and Alyssa’s testimony, not to mention your suspension from the team? That’s what pulled the trigger. I’m not going to deny the truth anymore, Jake.” I back up a few steps, done. Just done. “And I won’t share in the blame anymore, either. One day, I hope for your sake, you’ll own up to it.”
He uncaps his liquor and takes a hard swig. Shoving the glass bottle back into his bag, he steps around me and heads for the door, saying, “I guess we were through years ago, then, brother.” He stops before the door, hand secured to the knob. Shakes his head. “My little, soft brother. Look me up when you’ve finally grown a pair.”
The guilt I’d normally feel from his anger and judgment glances right off. I’m sick of walking on eggshells around him, hoping to keep him calm and collected for Mom’s sake; he’s never going to change.
A knock at the door cuts through the suffocating tension of the room. We both turn our heads toward the sound, and I’m spurred into motion. But Jake’s already there. He turns the knob and opens the door wide.
“Holy shit,” he says around a brash laugh. “Oh, fuck. I thought it was her for a minute. No wonder your nuts are all in a vise.” He chuckles as Ari looks at me, a frown line creasing between her brows.
Blood roaring in my ears, I rush to slam the door, but Jake wraps an arm around my neck and pulls me to a halt. “And you call me a sick fuck,” he says. “Are you seriously banging a chick that looks like Alyssa?”
Ari’s gaze traps mine. I watch in helpless slow motion as her features fall, confusion and hurt washing over her face. “I’m sorry,” she says, tearing her gaze away from me and nailing Jake with a hard glare. “Who are you?”
He’s still laug
hing, the stench of alcohol rolling off him. “She even sounds like her! God, man, you have it bad for snotty-ass, rich bitches.”
I elbow my brother off me and hurry toward Ari. She takes a step back, raising her hand. “Who is this guy, Ryder? What the hell is he talking about?” But before she even has a chance to do a double take, glancing from me to Jake, recognition lights her eyes. “Your brother?”
The way she says it, so dejected, only adds more weight to my already heavy shoulders. “Yeah,” I answer. I watch her features shift as her quick brain works it out, putting all the pieces together. It’s one of the things I love about her; how smart she is.
Only this time, I wish I could outthink her. Have some kind of explanation at the ready. Because as she takes another step away from me, creating a painful distance between us, I can see she’s made the connection.
“Alyssa was the girl,” she says.
Jake slaps my back, and my spine stiffens, my hands ball into fists. “The girl,” Jake stresses. “No shit, when I first saw you, I thought you were her. That Ryder just up and lost his freaking mind. That chick was bad news.” He shakes my shoulder. “She really did a mind fuck on Ryde, here. I never saw him cry before until she slapped him.”
I turn on him and have him by the collar, pushing him up against the wall. “What is wrong with you?” I shout, my words a snarl.