I loathe myself, wishing I could come clean and simply tell him everything, and that he’d know the right thing to do about King Hart. All this manipulation is eating my soul. I saw the hate in his eyes—the anger—last night in the garden, and I see it now. He’s walking a fine line between becoming the king his father raised him to be, and the leader I know he can be.
I’ve seen the compassion in his eyes before. Like the first day he took me to the meadow, and when he helped the pregnant woman. The light is there. I can almost reach out and feel the tension surrounding him—his inner battle.
I wish my head and my heart would quit combating each other. I know my mission. I know what I’ve vowed to the Rebels and to myself. But there is a heaviness weighing on my heart, telling me I’m missing something. If I falter now, all could be lost.
The war against Outside. The Taken. My father.
Everything.
I know that Devlan would tell me to hold strong, that this is the sure course. Only, I’ve seen the question in Devlan’s eyes, each of the times he’s trained me, and when he offered to take my place to take on Hart. Did he doubt me so then? Does he still have doubt?
I feel Devlan’s scar beneath my fingers, and envision the sneer on Sebastian’s face as he inflicted it, as he gave in to Hart’s commands.
What’s right? What am I supposed to do?
I sink into my chair, feeling as if my mind is weighing me down. I imagine Devlan’s arms wrapped around me, sheltering me from my own thoughts. Pressing my palm over the communicator in my bodice, I try to feel the strength that Devlan claims he sees in me.
TWENTY-NINE
“We’re cutting it close.” Xander adjusts his sword to his hip.
The morning sun shines through the canopy of tree branches, the meadow covered in a misty fog. I clasp my jeweled sash behind my back as Xander packs our training supplies. Hiking the hem of my white gown above the dew and sap-covered pine straw, I hustle toward the wall opening. Nothing can catch Sebastian’s notice.
Once we’re on the other side of the brook, I look over at Xander. “You truly feel I’m ready?”
Xander grasps Sterlyn’s reins and hands them to me. “Yes, Zara. You’re ready.” The confidence in his voice doesn’t match the waver I glimpse in his deep brown eyes.
I nod, hoping that Xander’s hesitation is an inner reflection, and not solely doubt in me. We’re all preoccupied with our own parts of this mission
. I mount my horse while Xander gets atop his. “You’ve been distracted during training, Xander. What’s been on your mind?”
He looks at the ground before kicking his heels. “Fallon and I have been having a disagreement.” I trot Sterlyn beside his gray horse as he continues. “I’ve never gone against any of her orders…until now.”
I open my mouth to respond, but I’m unsure how. Xander’s in a difficult position if he disagrees with an order from the Rebel leader. I know he respects her as his leader, but he’s also in love with her, which might cloud his judgment. Going against a command on his part would take great strength, as I’ve seen them together. I know he’d do anything for her, and anything she’d ask of him.
I’m curious if the order has anything to do with me, and I can’t help but ask, “Does it have to do with the mission?”
Even over the sound of the forest floor crunching beneath our horses’ hooves, I hear his deep sigh. “Partly. It’s more personal, though.” He glances at me. “And I’d rather keep certain things undisclosed. Not to you, Zara,” he quickly adds. “But to all.”
I look ahead to the plain coming into view. “We’re allowed our secrets, Xander. Sometimes, they’re what keep us who we are.”
Saying this, I wonder if I truly believe it. I’ve been keeping my own secrets. Everyone believes it’s the right thing to do, but I still tussle with the choice I’ve made to keep Sebastian in the dark.
“Although,” I add. “The truth can be quite liberating. I guess you have to question who it would affect and how.”
The lines of his forehead deepen, the corners of his eyes frown, and he pulls his horse to a stop. “But it’s none of my business.” I shake my head. “I’ve only known you and Fallon a short while, and I don’t know the circumstances. But I trust you both.”
Xander’s eyes stare out over the plain, a far-off expression on his face. “Fallon is a true leader.”
“As are you, Xander.” I turn Sterlyn to face him. “You’re second in command, and I would trust an order from you as much as from Fallon.”
His eyes meet mine, and a slow smile crawls up his face. “You would? The stubborn, reluctant princess?”
“Hey!” I can’t help but laugh.
He holds up his hands. “Devlan’s words.” His smile falls a bit, and he says, “But thank you, Zara. You truly are ready, and if all this had never happened, I’d have willingly followed you as my queen.”
His admission stuns me as much as the somberness in his tone. He’s carrying a heavy burden, one I hope he finds an answer to in the end. For both him and Fallon.