I wish I wasn’t both freaking out about the fact that my ex list is shrinking and yet simultaneously feeling…relief?
None of this has gone the way I thought it would. At the start it seemed like a grand adventure—an easy adventure, honestly, since it’s not like I was trying to find the love of my life among random strangers. These are guys that I know. Guys that I’ve loved, at least some of them. I thought I’d come face-to-face with a familiar guy and realize that I couldn’t remember why I’d broken up with him—that I’d want him back, and he’d want me back, and happily ever after and all that.
Instead, the closest I’ve got to thinking maybe was Jack, but our physical chemistry apparently had a major expiration date.
I’ve got two exes and six days to go.
The suspicion that’s been lurking since the very beginning of this is feeling increasingly true—that my ex list is more or less due diligence, to make sure I don’t tempt fate by not exploring all my options. I mean, did I really think I’d reunite with a guy I’d barely thought about since high school? Not so much. And Doug? I think maybe I knew he was a douche all along.
The rest? Meh. And that includes Adam, one of the two remaining guys.
It’s the last one that’s giving me sweaty palms.
Colin.
I’ve mentioned him before, but only briefly, and, okay, a little vaguely. The truth? I avoid talking about him. I avoid thinking about him. Because of all the guys, he was, well…I thought he was it for me. Sure, we were in college and perhaps too young in the grand scheme of things, but I’d been blindsided when he’d ended it with a gentle yet brutal “This just isn’t working for me.”
I’d also been hurt—crushed.
Colin is that guy, you know? The one that deep down you worry you never got over? The one you wonder, what if?
And yet it’s because he’s the most likely candidate that I haven’t been trying all that hard to find him.
If I’m wrong with the other guys, no big deal.
If I’m wrong with him? I don’t want to go through that kind of pain all over again.
But that’s not even what’s got me all tied up in knots. What’s confusing the crap out of me is that the closer I get to having to face Colin, the more indifferent I seem to be. And that’s even scarier. Because if it’s not Adam the woman was referring to, and it’s not Colin, it means that Mark was right—she was a fraud.
And it means I’ll be all alone—still.
“Blue Christmas” has always been my least favorite Christmas song. And I’m terrified it’ll be what I’m listening to on Christmas morning.
I pull out my phone and, determined to be brave, I text Stephen again, to at least double-check that he’s really, truly out of the running.
It’s semi-tempting to get straight to the point and ask if there’s any chance he’s still so in love with me that he’d brave a blizzard to see me.
Instead, I settle for a snowflake emoji followed by a sad face. That pretty much sums it up.
I’m making a much-needed pot of coffee when my phone buzzes with his response.
Ha, yeah, I sort of wondered when you said you were planning on coming into town with the storm coming. But then, you always were the optimistic sort. Liked that about you.
See, Mark? Some people like that I’m optimistic.
Stephen sends another message. Raincheck for after the holidays? Or should I say…snow check?
I smile. He’s cute. Sure, sounds great.
I set my phone aside, thinking that’s the end of that, but it buzzes yet again. This may be awkward, but are you seeing anyone? I’ve just started dating this girl, and weird as I think it sounds, you guys would totally get along. If you’re game for a forward-thinking double date, let me know.
Well, then. Guess that definitively answers the question of whether he’s The One.
I dig around the pile of papers on my counter until I come up with the list, dragging a fat line through his name. Doug’s, too, obviously.
I tap the pen against my lips as I look at the remaining names.
Truth be told, I haven’t tried that hard to get in touch with either Adam or Colin, but the clock’s ticking. Up until this point, I’ve been lucky enough to either have each guy’s phone number or to be friends with him on Facebook, so getting in touch has been as simple as a text or a Facebook message.