“It freaks you out. ”
“It’s not something someone who’s had a normal upbringing would understand. Even those of us who suffer from the fears don’t always understand. A lot of the time, there is a constant inner struggle going on—our minds telling us one thing, but our feelings telling us another. ”
“But you and Jax…you two are solid, right?”
Her smile was soft. “We are. But that doesn’t mean I can just erase all my ingrained fears. I’m still struggling with them, and Jax is doing a damned good impression of a saint, helping me with them too. ”
“So, how does this work for Rubi?”
“She grew up with her father leaving her at the drop of a hat. And often without telling her. He just wouldn’t come home. She lost nanny after nanny because her father is a bastard and a womanizer, so she never got close to any. He never showed up to a school event. Never showed up to any graduation, not even for the bachelors and masters he paid for. He never once remembered her birthday. As you can imagine, her early relationships with men didn’t go well, because she’d never been shown how a decent relationship worked. But all that has scarred her. The fact that she’s pushing you away tells me just how important you are to her. Maybe too important. ”
“How could I be too important?”
“It’s easy to screw around with people you don’t care about. There’s nothing at stake. But playing that game with someone who fills a special place in your life? Someone who could leave a hole in your heart if he vanished? That’s a huge risk. Even more so to a woman who is extremely sensitive.
“Take my relationship with Jax, for example. I still love Rubi the same, still love being with her, but now I’m either working or with Jax. That doesn’t give me much time with Rubi. She loves Jax and wants us together, but she’s still struggling with a sense of abandonment. Where I used to be available to her anywhere, anytime, now I’m not. On a subconscious level, she’s reliving the experience of having the main person in her life, one who is supposed to love and nurture her, pulling away. So the threat of giving a relationship with you a try coupled with the threat of having it not work out and losing your friendship in the process…is pretty terrifying. ”
Wes laid his head back down on the desk, more confused and discouraged by the moment. “What a clusterfuck. ”
Lexi ran the medicated cotton over the skin at his jaw, where some anonymous drunk fucker who had no business getting involved had slammed his knuckles. Wes grimaced and reflexively turned away.
“Hold still,” Lexi said. “It’s hard to trust after a lifetime of extremes. Rubi’s either been ignored to the point where she felt invisible or showered with fake, suffocating attention. You’re the first guy who really sees her. Sees the woman beneath her looks and attitude, and appreciates her uniqueness. I think that’s both what draws her to you and what scares the shit out of her. ”
Wes sighed and closed his eyes, exhausted. All he wanted to do was lie down with Rubi curled in his arms and fall asleep with his face buried in her hair. The mere thought pulled the stress from his muscles. Christ, that sounded like bliss.
He wondered if that would fall into the friend category.
Jax returned from the other room, a pensive look on his face as he inspected Wes. Then he glanced at Lexi and ran a hand over her back. “How does he look?”
She smirked and leaned into him. “Looks like he got into a fight. I might be able to sew you guys back together, but I don’t have X-ray vision. ”
He lifted his chin at Wes. “How do you feel?”
“As good as I look. Why? What did Rimer say?”
“He says MacKenzie’s told him you can act. Wants to know if I think I could coach you through the part. ”
Wes’s mouth dropped open. “Holy—”
“Not the same pay as Bolton, but a hell of a lot more than I can pay you. If you wanted to act, dude—”
“No. How many times do I have to turn down a role for people to know I don’t want anything to do with acting?”
“Believe me, I understand,” Jax said. “But I don’t want to be the one cheating you out of an opportunity. ”
“That’s how Harrison Ford got his start,” Lexi said. “Filling in for an actor when he was working on sets backstage. You could be the next—”
“No, thank you. ” He turned his attention back to Jax. “What’s his plan B?”
“Rimer’s at as much of a loss as I am,” Jax said. “We’re halfway through filming, and I won’t have the budget back in line for another few months. Recasting now would mean rerunning the scenes with the new guy, which would push us over budget again. ” Jax rubbed a hand over his face. “Fuck. ”
Yeah, they’d definitely be fucked. The realization of it showed on Lexi’s worried expression. Jax had made a deal with Rimer when he’d taken the job. Another stunt company had run the film twenty million over budget and been
fired. Jax had accepted the job with the understanding that Renegades would get paid 10 percent of the money he saved the production company by bringing the budget back into line. Refilming meant Renegades would lose two million dollars.
Two million dollars that would allow Jax to hire more stuntmen. Allow Jax more time with Lexi. Allow the company to grow and give them all steady, well-paying jobs.
“I’ll make it work. ” Wes pushed to his feet. “I’ll beat the guy into submission if I have to. ”