When everyone joins me, sitting upright, legs crossed, hands at their chest in prayer, I say, “Ego drives; spirit guides. Over the next few days, notice what feelings you act on—the demands of ego or the suggestions of spirit—and try to make the inner shift necessary to choose spirit over ego. Spirit holds your heart’s deepest desires, and you have to listen intently to hear them.”
I allow an extended moment of silence, wishing I could float here for hours.
“Deep breath in,” I say, drawing air deep into my lungs, then exhale. “And release.”
I wait until everyone has exhaled and settled again. Then bend at the waist, hands in prayer at my heart. “Namaste.”
“Namaste,” the room echoes.
I wait while the women collect their mats, their shoes and bags, then I stand by the door as they exit, accepting their appreciation for the class and wishing them a beautiful night.
I don’t notice Bodhi until all the women are on their way back to the marina to grab their pleasure boats and head to their houseboats anchored in various locations on the lake. He’s wearing a dark shirt over cargo shorts, looking cool and handsome. His smile is warm and authentic, his gaze searching mine.
“Hi.” His simple greeting in that sweet tone, tumbles me backward a year and a half, to the way he’d always greet me before kissing me breathless.
“Hi.” A pang pinches my heart—for all we once were, for all we once could have been. “I’m going to lock up. Did you need something?”
“Just to talk. Go ahead.”
I move to the front of the room where I store my chimes and essential oils in a locked cabinet, then start closing the windows. Bodhi moves to the other side of the room and does the same.
If this isn’t a blatant sign from the universe, I don’t know what would be. Only minutes ago, I was suggesting that my students try to live by their heart, not their ego, and here I am facing my ego’s biggest wart. “What do you want to talk about?”
He closes the last window and turns to face me, sliding his hands into his front pockets. “A lot. Everything. But mostly, I want you to know how sorry I am for the way I broke us and hurt you.”
My ego surges forward with hurtful retorts, and I clench my teeth around them. Sometimes calming the ego is the hardest thing in the world to do. Like when the man who you thought was the love of your life fucks up everything then says, “Oh, by the way, I didn’t mean it.”
“It was never about you,” he says, his expression contrite and open and clearly vulnerable. A glimpse of the man I once loved.
“It was about my anxiety and sense of inadequacy,” he says. “I knew I had a tendency to gain validation through sex, and I never should have promised to be with only you when I still had unsettled feelings about myself. When I committed to you, I hadn’t addressed the underlying problems that ultimately caused us to break. I loved you so much, I wanted so badly to be the man you wanted and needed, that I shoved my issues into a corner and ignored them.”
I’m still trying to tamp down the strength of my ego when he asks, “Is this thing with Xavier serious?”
Perfect. A reminder of yet another relationship based on a lie. “I don’t want to talk about Xavier with you.”
“I understand. I just wish you’d give me another chance to prove I’ve overcome the issues that caused me to cheat. We were so good together. Our relationship was so special.”
“You’ve always had a way with words,” I say, letting the fiery anger cool into embers. It takes a lot of energy to stay mad, and I’d really rather spend my energy on positive things like happiness and love. “But those pretty words don’t do anything for the suffering you caused. I’ve learned that suffering kills emotions. In this case, your cheating killed my love for you. It’s that simple.”
He exhales long and slow with a nod. “I regret what I did every day I’m without you.”
“I regret it too.”
A shadow on the road catches my eye. Someone dressed in dark clothes with dark hair. Only the glint of gold tells me it’s Xavier approaching in his uniform, measuring whether to come in and support me or fall back and let me fight it out. And in that moment, the stark differences between these two men have never been clearer.
Bodhi notices Xavier too. “I only want the best for you. I hope you find the love you’re looking for, and know that if things don’t work out with Xavier, you’ll always have a place in my heart.”
I’m never going back to Bodhi. I know that with a certainty that rings in my bones, but I let it go and wish him a good night before I start down the road.
Xavier meets me with open arms and concern etching his face. He hugs me tight, and I rest my cheek against his still-armored chest, only to find the interaction with Bodhi has hurt my heart, which keeps me, yet again, from opening up to Xavier. In moments like these, I’m unquestioningly certain I’ll never be whole again.
“You okay?” he whispers at my ear.
Warmth and softness fill my sore heart. “I am now.”
“Can I arrest him now?”
I laugh. I love the way he can make me laugh, but I sober quickly. “He’s in his own jail.”