‘Children?’
‘Yes. Lots of them some day, I hope.’
‘Oh.’ Her expression wavered and then turned defiant again. ‘Well, maybe I have honour, too. Maybe I won’t deny all knowledge of you to the King’s men if they come.’
‘Don’t say that.’ He knitted his brows together. ‘You have to.’
‘No.’ She jutted her chin out. ‘I don’t have to do anything. You’ve made all of your decisions on your own. I can make my mine, too.’
He took a deep breath, acutely aware of the new sense of restraint between them. Just a week ago, he would have pulled her into his arms, whereas now... Now she was only a few feet away, but it might as well have been miles. The distance seemed impassable somehow.
‘You’re right. I’ve kept too many secrets and made too many decisions without you, but this is the end of it. I’ll be back as soon as this meeting with the King is over and from now on, I’ll consult you on everything, I promise.’
‘You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep.’
‘It’s true. I want to make decisions with you, Constance. It’s just that I’ve become used to being on my own, to not sharing my thoughts or feelings. I never even imagined sharing my life with anyone. I didn’t know how to. I didn’t want to come back to England either, but I did and then I met you. Now I want to be married, to live here with you and make decisions together. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I need you to give me one last chance and trust me. After this, you can make every decision you want.’
She lowered her chin slightly. ‘You really mean it?’
‘Yes. Only I have to know that you’re safe and that you’ll distance yourself from me if you need to. If it comes to it, you have to forswear me. Please, Constance, promise me.’
‘All right.’ Storm-blue eyes flickered with an expression he didn’t recognise. ‘I will.’
Chapter Twenty-Four
The sky was grey. Again.
Constance stood by the solar window and wondered if it was ever going to be anything but. She wouldn’t have minded so much if there had been any word from Matthew, but there had been nothing for over a week and the fact cast an even greater pallor over the scene. The New Year celebrations had come and gone and despite Tomas’s best efforts to distract her, she’d spent most of her time brooding about what could be happening in London. Hard as she tried to banish her fears, it was impossible. What if the meeting with the King had gone wrong? What if Matthew was already on trial as a traitor? What if he never came home?
The rest of the time, she’d spent regretting their last conversation. She’d agreed to do as Matthew wanted and denounce him if necessary, but she hadn’t admitted how she felt about him, still too angry to utter the words. Yet something he’d said had preoccupied her mind ever since, that without honour he was no better than his father or John. It was true. Even if he had behaved like a tyrant of sorts, he’d done so for honourable motives, either to protect her or because he’d been bound by his word. Much as she hated to admit it, he was right about the charter, too. It was more important than either of them. Or Lacelby for that matter. He was doing it for the future of the whole country. The least she could have done was tell him she loved him in return.
A wave of nausea overtook her and she pressed a hand to her stomach, willing the feeling to subside. It had been happening all week and with her courses overdue, she could no longer doubt the reason, though it made her feel elated and terrified and even more guilty all at the same time. None of which did anything to make her feel calmer again.
She sat down on the window seat and put her head in her hands, trying to get her emotions back under control. Anxiety would do no good for either her or the baby. Matthew would come back because he had to. He’d come back and then she could berate him again for leaving her and then tell him she loved
him. She just had to be patient and wait. And not move, since moving only made her feel ten times worse.
* * *
She wasn’t sure how long she had sat there, only she gradually became aware of loud voices below. One loud voice, at any rate. Another messenger? The view from the solar window was towards the sea rather than the road so she hadn’t seen anyone approach, which meant there was a chance... She stood up and hurried as quickly as she dared across the room, then jumped back again as the door burst open.
‘Daughter!’ Sir Ralph Wintour’s burly frame completely filled the doorway. ‘I trust I find you in good health?’
‘Sir Ralph...’
It took all of her willpower not to place her hands over her stomach. Some instinct told her to protect her baby, but the gesture would have been too obvious and her father-in-law was the last person she wanted to share her news with. Even if he was, strictly speaking, the grandfather, she had the discomforting feeling that he’d use it against her somehow.
‘I’m very well, thank you,’ she answered as calmly as possible, inclining her head, though without curtsying. She was afraid she might topple over if she tried. ‘To what do I owe this visit?’
‘I wanted to make sure you were all right.’ Sir Ralph’s expression was smug. ‘Here on your own without your husband to comfort you.’
‘How thoughtful.’ She gritted her teeth. Apparently Matthew was right and his father really did have spies everywhere.
‘My lady?’ Her steward’s anxious face peered around the side of the baron’s chest.
‘It’s all right, Tomas.’ She managed to summon a half-smile. ‘I was just saying that we’re perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves here at Lacelby. I certainly don’t require any comforting, thank you, Sir Ralph.’
‘Indeed?’ Her father-in-law advanced a few steps towards her. ‘Well then, I have to say you’re dealing with it very well, given the circumstances.’