A shadow fell over his face. ‘Would you really surrender Haword to him if he came back?’
‘Yes, if you’re not here.’
‘Even after I vouched for you?’
‘You shouldn’t have! You had no right to say anything on my behalf.’
‘I’m your husband.’
‘My husband who’s leaving!’
He ran a hand over his face. ‘You know it doesn’t work that way, Juliana. You can use my name to hold the castle. You don’t have to break your oath.’
‘Then you’re just like every other man, after all! You think I should just hide behind you as if I don’t have a mind of my own.’ She shoved both of her hands hard against his chest. ‘Well, maybe I want to support Stephen. Maybe I like Stephen!’
He caught her wrists as she raised them again. ‘Meaning what?’
‘He was very courteous to me. More than some people I could mention.’
‘He’s a traitor who stole the crown! Or do you value courtesy more than loyalty?’
‘Hypocrite!’ She wrenched her wrists away. ‘How can you talk about loyalty? You’ve been in love with another woman since we met!’
‘What?’
‘With Matilda.’ She jutted her chin out, not caring how jealous she sounded now. Since they were being honest with each other, she might as well be completely honest. ‘Or are you going to deny that you’re in love with her?’
‘Yes!’ He staggered backwards, looking thunderstruck. ‘Of course I’m not in love with her. What on earth made you think such a thing?’
‘Because you said she was beautiful and that she saved you, and that you’d give your life to save her if necessary. Why else would you say all those things?’
‘Because she’s my Empress! Not because I love her.’
‘But...’ The look of genuine bewilderment on his face made her conviction waver, replaced by a flicker of hope. ‘You mean you’re not in love with her?’
‘I don’t love!’
They stared at each other in silence for a long moment before he swore softly. ‘Hell’s teeth. I don’t love anyone, Juliana. I don’t love, I don’t care and I don’t feel. I can’t. It’s not who I am.’
She sucked in a breath. ‘Not at all?’
‘No.’ His voice sounded convincing enough. ‘I told you, I protect people. That’s what I do.’
She felt her brief sense of elation drain away. So he wasn’t in love with Matilda. That fact should have made her happy, but his explanation only made her feel worse. She still came second, even to a woman he wasn’t in love with, and now it seemed that there was no hope of him ever caring for her either—just when she’d realised with terrible, acute certainty that she wanted him to. Because she cared for him.
‘You promised my father you’d protect me.’ She tried to keep her expression calm. ‘Or don’t I matter next to Matilda?’
‘Of course you do. I’ll always come if you summon me.’
‘From Normandy?’
‘Yes. I’m leaving my men here to protect you, too.’
‘So you’re abandoning all of us?’
His expression looked pained. ‘I’m leaving you in command of Haword. Isn’t that what you always wanted, your command, your castle, without a husband to interfere?’
She whirled away from him at the words, storming towards the far corner of the room. If she couldn’t get to the door, then she could at least put as much distance between them as possible!