An Affair of Honor (Rebel Hearts 2)

Outside, Harry Lloyd waited on the street, eyes fixed on the upper drawing room window where William had left Matilda to decide the fate of their marriage. Miss Chudleigh’s carriage rolled past, the woman’s face turned to him. She waved.

William glared at them both until they went on their way, and wished they would never darken his door again.

Twenty-One

Matilda wiped at her eyes as tears continued to fall. Indecision gripped her. She was furious, confused, bound up in lies and desire, and hope, with no certainty of what lay ahead.

Seeing Harry again had been such a revelation. He’d forced her to see a truth that had been staring her in the face all along. She preferred to keep the easy life she was living now. Despite the lie, she wanted to remain with William.

If Harry Lloyd did actually go into a partnership at a tavern and married her after her marriage to William ended, Matilda as his wife would have to work, and work very hard, for the rest of her life.

Every form of the life William offered was very easy in comparison.

She stared at her hands. Once red and chafed from hard work, they were soft and paler than she’d ever seen them since her father’s death. William hated it when she even tidied a room.

She was also appalled at the idea of running out of her marriage, even if William had lied to her to obtain her agreement.

She drew her knees up to her chest and placed her chin upon them. Harry was right too, after a fashion—she was always in this part of the house for the latter part of the day. Even when William had been at sea, she had gravitated to this pretty room—seeking a moment or two of peace from the other servants. For a short while she had pretended to be the lady of the house rather than the lowly maid who cleaned it.

And now, thanks to William’s new and startling wishes, she might live with him forever.

All she had to do was believe in him. To trust him without reservations.

She liked this house, and she’d grown accustomed to her easy life here. His family was kind and she was slowly growing accustomed to them being around.

She had even grown accustomed to William’s scoldings and rules. He was very steady in temperament once she had figured out his quirks and made allowances for his desires.

She’d learned to understand her own.

Matilda looked forward to the next punishment so much that the very memory of the last made her body quiver with anticipation. But despite the pleasure of her situation with William, she had never believed she belonged in his world. She’d always known she could never stay with him.

And yet the thought of leaving, of never seeing him and his scowl again, brought unbearable pain.

There was a tap at the open door, and she quickly placed her feet on the floor so she was again a proper lady. “Come in.”

As it swung open, her disappointment was acute that William had not come back to her. “Yes, Dawson?”

“Captain Ford begs me to ask if you would be joining him for dinner.”

She frowned, unable to decide. She didn’t want to leave the comfort of this room yet because the moment she did she would have to decide what to do with her life and their marriage. “Tell me about your friend, the one Harry Lloyd stole from you.”

Dawson shut the door quickly and took a few paces into the room. “Not stole. She was never really mine. Marta worked as a kitchen maid. She was young, pretty, and very shy, just like you in some respects. A little flattery, and before I knew it Lloyd had a claim on her heart.”

“Marta? I think I remember meeting her when I began working here. I was sorry when she left. She was nice to me. I thought we might have become friends one day.”

Dawson winced. “I think she would have liked you too. I didn’t understand until it was too late that Lloyd had promised her marriage in return for her favors. Marriage was never his goal. She came to me in tears as soon as her condition became apparent and told me how he’d disappointed her. I had some money saved, and I gave it all to her, and after appealing to the captain he gave me leave to escort her into the country myself. My sister had married well, to a carpenter with his own shop, and was willing to harbor Marta until she found her feet. By the time I returned, the captain had dismissed Lloyd from his duties. I had thought Lloyd might have done the right thing and married Marta, but in the end, she lost the babe and remained with my sister in the country as her housekeeper.”

Her throat tightened at the similarities between her and Marta’s past. She had almost succumbed to Lloyd’s seduction once, made a little too merry from punch she’d later learned had been embellished with alcohol. It was probably pure luck that she’d not been ruined, but Matilda had never been comfortable in her own skin, or bold enough to risk behaving in a manner that might lose her a position. Not until William’s strict instruction and seduction had educated her a little about the truth of her nature. “Do you still see her? Marta?”

“Not for over a year now. My sister writes that she is well and asks for news of me on occasion. I will most likely ask her to marry me next Christmas, if she’s not found someone else.”

“I hope she hasn’t for your sake.” Matilda was filled with sadness and wiped at her eyes. “You are a good man, Dawson.”

“I wish I had known he’d promised to marry you. I could have saved you so much trouble by revealing his flaws.” Dawson came closer and perched on a chair nearby. “He was desperate for coin, but then you knew he had light fingers, didn’t you?”

“He always swore it was accidental.” Matilda grimaced. “And then would talk about how wonderful our life would be far away from here.”

“You can’t leave with Lloyd.”