Sara started to speak, but Deacon held up his hand and continued.
“I’m in love with you. The fact that you don’t give me any credit at all, that you just assume the worst of me, I don’t think I’ve done anything to earn that. It hurts me.”
Sara just stared at him now, eyes filling with tears, and then she finally spoke.
“No. It’s not you. It’s me. God, that sounds trite. Let me explain. I’ve got weird inadequacy and abandonment issues. I spent a decade avoiding relationships of any kind specifically so I wouldn’t have to deal with them. You’re the very first person that I’ve had an actual healthy, intimate relationship with since my ex-fiancé.
“I get scared, and my instinct takes over. It’s a crappy instinct. I’m sorry, more than you could possibly ever know, that it hurts you. I’m tackling a lot of issues at once and I’m doing the best I can. I love you, and I want to be with you. I just need you to be patient with me.”
Nodding, Deacon said, “Okay. Is there anything I can do?”
Tears spilled over onto her cheeks, making Deacon feel like even a bigger asshole.
Shaking her head, she said, “This is a me thing. I know you want to fix it, but it’s not something you can fix.”
“Fair enough. I’m sorry, honey. Please don’t cry.”
He used his thumb to wipe a stray tear off her cheek and then wrapped his arms around her. When she leaned into him, he kissed the top of her head.
Clearing his throat, he said, “This isn’t exactly the romantic lead-in I was hoping for, but I thought with things being so crappy for the last couple of weeks, maybe a weekend away might be nice. Want to go to Catalina this weekend?”
Blinking, Sara moved out of his arms and said, “Really?”
Rolling his eyes, he asked, “Would I ask if I didn’t mean it?”
Sara narrowed her eyes at him and said, “Sorry. You just kinda caught me off guard considering the last couple minutes of discussion.”
Leaning forward, he said, “That was us having a discussion. It was bound to happen at some point. That doesn’t mean I don’t still love you. I think a vacation would be a great idea.”
Nodding slowly, she said, “My schedule is actually light this weekend. I’ll see whether I can clear it tomorrow.”
Clearing his throat uncomfortably, he said, “I might have called and checked with Elle this afternoon.”
Laughing, Sara said, “Oh. Did you now?”
Giving her a huge grin he said, “Only if you think that my show of initiative is charming. If you don’t then, no, I didn’t.”
Leaning forward, she pulled him into a kiss.
When the kiss ended, she said, “I approve.”
Chapter 21
By the time Sara got to work the next day, last night’s conversation was nagging at her. Around lunchtime, she went out to the front reception area and asked Elle, “Do you think I expect the worst out of people?”
Elle paused for a minute and said, “Do I think you expect the worst out of people? No. Do I think you purposefully set really low expectations so you don’t get hurt? Absolutely.”
“Really?”
Looking at her now, above the rims of her glasses, she said, “Really. Can I be honest, honey?”
Feeling slightly distressed now, Sara nodded.
“I think a lot of that has to do with your past experiences. Your douche bag ex-fiancé, your father—neither of them were the people that you needed them to be and you just shut down. By expecting nothing, when you didn’t get much, it was never a disappointment. Is this about Deacon?”
Nodding miserably, Sara said, “Yeah. Basically, he called me out for not calling him the day my father died. He was right, though. I think I probably would have just gone to the airport and called him before my flight. I didn’t have any inkling that he’d go with me.”
Looking at her steadily now, Elle asked, “Did you want him to go with you?”