My entire body stiffens as I tumble over the cliff, sparks sizzling down my spine through every nerve ending. Intense tremors wrack through me on the way down from indescribable bliss.
“Shit! Oh fuck! Oh holy fuck, El…” Adam cries out a bunch of random nonsense as he dives deep one final time. Spent, he collapses on top of me, both of us sweaty and sated and emotionally raw.
We lay still for a while, the only sound in the room is our heavy breathing, which is gradually returning to a normal rate. I bring up one hand to pull my fingers through Adam’s silken hair, scratching his scalp the way I know he likes. A moment of sorrow overcomes me as I recall the way I used to do this same thing back home, before everything was ruined. We’d stay in my narrow bed all afternoon, laughing and making love. I would play with his hair and he would kiss every single part of my body.
I struggle to hold in the sobs that threaten to escape from my aching chest, blinking hard to keep the tears from falling.
“Hey, what’s going on Sweetheart?” Adam’s deep, caring voice is close enough to my ear that his lips brush against it when he speaks. “Am I hurting you?”
Not in the way you’re thinking.
I shake my head and hoarsely tell him, “No.” He rolls off of me, positioning us so we’re face to face on our sides. Adam disposes of the condom, returning so he can press back up against the length of me, our heated skin touching from chest to knees.
“Tell me what’s wrong?”
What can I say? That everything will be okay? That no one is going to be hurt by this?
“El,” Adam demands, “tell me. I’m starting to freak out here Sweetheart.”
“Nothing. It’s nothing Adam. I just wish we didn’t lose all those years,” I lie, too afraid to give him the whole truth. That I have no idea what I’m doing, that I’m scared to death to leave everything I know to be with him, but equally scared to let him go.
He gives me his brilliant smile and leans in to rub his nose against mine. “Well, we’ll just have to make up for lost time.” He grins playfully, using that charming way he has to turn the somber moment around.
I decide to leave the serious discussion for another day and enjoy what I’ve been given… another chance at happiness.
* * *
I sigh and sit up on the edge of my bed.
Why can’t I have that chance? My life hasn’t gone the way I imagined, but whose does? I should have fought for what I wanted, not let him get away.
I’m so tired of leading the pity party parade. I wipe the stupid bloody tears from my eyes and get ready for sleep, determined to live the life that I want, go after the things that make me happy. Even my mum is getting on with life, finding happiness after all of the dreadful things she’s been through, losing her home, her job, surviving cancer, losing my dad.
When I climb into bed and turn out the lights, I’ve got a plan and a smile on my face for the first time years. I just have to get up the courage to go through with it.
35
Adam
The biting wind cuts right through my wool cap, turning my ears into shards of ice the second I step out of the car. Dodging half-frozen puddles from last night’s storm, I hurry into the famous Ritz-Carlton at Central Park. I’m supposed to meet a reporter from GQ here. I check my phone, whoops, ten minutes ago.
I whip off my hat on my way to the massive front desk, running my fingers through my hair to sort out the mess. When I get there, I ask a visibly stunned clerk where the club lounge is located.
“Ummmm,” her cheeks redden and she nervously tucks a lock of hair behind her ear.
Really? Isn’t this the Ritz? Don’t they get loads of famous people in here? My patience for crap like this is wearing thin. Used to be I’d have her out of her knickers in less than fifteen minutes. Now it’s irritating. Maybe I’m getting old.
“Mr. Reynolds…” An older man steps over to help out his mute coworker, “it’s right this way.” He directs me to the lifts and tells me how to get to the club.
“Thank you, I’m running a bit late.”
“Well, sorry about Lacy, she’s new here.” He sighs as if embarrassed by her. “I’ll speak with her about proper decorum.”
“No problem, apologize to her for me, maybe I surprised her or something.” He nods and I hop into the lift to head upstairs.
“Mr. Reynolds, right this way. Your party is waiting for you.” An elegant host at the club entrance leads me over to a table framed by a large bank of windows overlooking the park. The beautiful fall colors of last month are gone, replaced by barren trees that give the landscape a harsh, cold feel.
“Mr. Reynolds, so nice to meet you.” The young man at the table jumps up from his chair and eagerly shakes my h