The Sinner (The St. Clair Brothers 1)

t react. Now that I had time to think, I was a bit overwhelmed. I turned off my brain and listened as the monitors beeped and whirred. The sounds were kind of soothing. The steady rhythm meant the baby was alive and well.

“How are you feeling?” Rocco asked.

I stared at my lap. After everything we’d been through, I was nervous. Rocco knew my secret. Knew about Seb. Rocco sounded calm, but I knew him well enough to detect an underlying current of tension. What I didn’t know was whether that tension was caused by my health scare, by finding out about Seb, or a combination of both. But Rocco was there when I needed him, and for now, that was good enough.

“Okay,” I said. “Tired, but not bad.”

Rocco reached out and touched the shadowed skin under my eyes. “You look exhausted, Ky.”

I shrugged. “Nothing new since…” I didn’t finish. The “since I got pregnant” unnecessary.

Rocco exhaled and scrubbed his hands over his face and up through his hair, which stood every which way. “I’m glad the baby is okay.”

My response was to giggle. Rocco looked at me as if I lost my mind. He grunted.

“What’s funny?”

“You,” I said. Maybe it was the drugs messing with my head, or my lack of sleep had made me delirious. Either way, inappropriate or not, I couldn’t stop. “You look like don’t know how to feel,” I continued. “Happy the baby is healthy and I’m okay, or disgusted because of who I slept with.”

“Ugh!” Rocco winced and covered his ears. “God, Ky! Don’t. Just don’t. I can’t unhear that kind of shit.” His reaction only fueled the laughter. Rocco scowled and waited patiently until I got control of myself. When I finally stopped, reality sobered me up quick.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. Rocco didn’t ask why. He knew exactly what I was sorry for.

“Why’d you do it, Ky? I mean, not why you did what you did, you know, the, uh…” He pointed at my belly and turned green. “I don’t want to hear the gory details. Just, I don’t get it. Of all the guys out there, why him?”

I twisted the sheet into a tight ball, then let go, watched it unwind, and did it again. “Because he’s dangerous,” I mumbled. Rocco didn’t interrupt, so I kept going. “Because I’m messed in the head, Rocco. I uh, like that Seb is for all intents and purposes, off limits. That…the fact that you didn’t like it…it made it more exciting, or something. I just didn’t think… Then, I realized I kind of like him, and…” I got choked up and Rocco ran his hand in circles on my back.

“It’s okay, Ky. I’m not mad.”

I shot up straight and met my brother’s gaze. “You’re not?”

He shook his head. “No. I’m so fucking glad you’re okay, I don’t give a shit about St. Clair.” My mouth fell open and I stared at Rocco in disbelief. His lips twisted and after a minute, he said, “Fine,” and jammed both hands in his hair. “Fine. Yeah, I care, but not enough to make it a thing. Not while you’re sitting in the hospital after almost losing the baby.”

“He’s not as bad as you think.” I said it so quietly I wasn’t sure Rocco heard over the monitors.

His snort let me know that he did. “Yeah, he’s that bad, Ky.” He sighed. “It’s not about me anymore.” Rocco put his hand over mine, putting an end to my sheet-twisting. “Ugh, I can’t believe I’m going to ask this?” He pulled a face. “Does St. Clair make you happy?”

Did he? Sometimes.

“I think he could,” I said, going for honesty instead of deluding not only Rocco, but also myself. “We have a lot to talk about before I can think about that.”

A quick rap on the door and Seb entered the room.

“Here.” Seb handed Rocco a steaming Styrofoam cup and placed the other on the table next to the bed. Then he manhandled the wheeled tray and cursed under his breath when it wouldn’t cooperate with his efforts to reposition it over my lap. After he muttered what I assumed were a few French-Canadian obscenities, the wheels rolled under the bed. Seb put the big cup of iced tea on the tray, then shoved his hands in his pockets.

“I’m going to take a walk.” Rocco bent over and kissed my forehead. He turned to Seb. “I’ll call Coach and explain the situation.” Seb’s looked at Rocco, eyes wide. “Don’t worry, St. Clair. I’ll spare him the details. See you guys in a little while.”

And then it was just us.

Seb slid into the newly vacated chair and took a sip from his cup, which smelled like coffee. He was a mess—slumped down in the seat, face haggard, right leg bouncing up and down. How someone could be totally exhausted and tense at the same time was beyond me, but that’s exactly what Seb was.

We needed to talk, but I didn’t know where to start. Seb left, disappeared in the middle of the night. I thought we were done. But he came to the hospital, and as much as I didn’t want to give myself false hope, Seb didn’t act like a man who didn’t care.

“How did you know I was here? And why were you with Rocco?”

Seb put his coffee on the bedside table and shifted to the edge of the seat. With Seb so close, I could finally see what I failed to notice earlier. He was afraid. It was written all over his face, from the tiny wrinkles that creased his brow to the twitching muscles around his left eye. He reached for my hand and I felt a slight tremble in his fingers before they wrapped around mine. He nervously licked his lips. When our gazes finally met, tears shone in Seb’s eyes and my throat burned as my own welled up in response.

“We were in Coach V’s office when the hospital called.” Seb rubbed the back of his neck, looked up at the ceiling, and inhaled. “Coach didn’t even have to say anything. I just… knew. I don’t know how, but I knew something was wrong, and the way he looked at Calloway, er, uh, Rocco, I knew it was about you.”