“She’d never have let you in no matter what you did, Keller. That’s just how she is.” I reach up and this time, I pull Keller’s chin until he’s looking at me.
“Now,” I say. “I need to tell you what happened in your condo.”
He nods, so I begi
n.
Keller
I don’t know if I should have stopped her and mentioned my sister died in the shooting, but once Britt begins telling her story, I don’t want to interrupt and blurt a bunch of shit out. So I remain silent.
“I was shot in the head, behind my left ear. I got lucky. It wasn’t a direct hit. It… it went through…” Her voice cracks. “another person before hitting me so the bullet was slowed down enough that the bullet didn’t go in deep.” She stops and shudders. “I didn’t remember anything from that day. None of it. Or any of the days leading up to the shooting. The doctors said the memories might come back eventually, but I was glad I couldn’t remember. I didn’t want to remember. Who would?”
Britt shudders and all I want to do is pull her into my lap and tell her everything will be okay. But I can’t. I don’t know if it will be okay or how she feels. Besides, she needs to say this out loud. She needs me to hold her and listen.
“After they took out the bullet, I had to relearn how to do a lot of stuff. They said I could do it physically, but I couldn’t remember how. I had to learn to walk again. That was the hardest part.” My heart breaks for Britt, for the struggle she went through to regain her independence and make a life for herself after going through so much physical trauma. “I’m deaf in this ear.” Britt taps the left side of her head.
“I’m so sorry, Britt.”
She scowls. “I don’t want pity, Keller. That’s why I don’t tell anyone. My life isn’t about being a victim or a survivor. I just want to put it all behind me and be Britt. I’m not broken.”
“I can understand that, and you’re not broken, Britt. It might have broken a weaker person, but not you. Never you. I’m in awe of your strength.” I understand where she’s coming from. I would give anything to put my past behind me. I’ve created an entire other persona to pretend the past doesn’t exist.
“But not remembering didn’t mean I wasn’t traumatized. I have random panic attacks, bad ones.” I remember how she hid under Gabriel’s desk when the door banged against the wall. How shaky she was after being in the crowd backstage at the fight. “I never feel safe at home.” Her big blue eyes meet mine. “That’s why I work at a gym filled with strong, muscled men. The fighters, you, make me feel safe. Protected. Anyone who comes through the door to hurt me would never get to me.”
“No,” I say. “They wouldn’t.”
“That’s one of the things I love about you, Keller. You make me feel safe. It’s something about you specifically, being in your arms.”
I nod, speechless. She does the same for me. Makes me feel human, that is.
“Anyway, the memories have been trying to come back for a while. I have dreams where I see little bits and pieces here and there. But you…” Britt studies my face. “Your eyes,” she whispers, raising a hand to touch the thin circle of skin just below my right eye. “They were so familiar, but I didn’t know why.”
No. My body tenses, liquid ice drips down my spine.
“I saw your invitation and I knew. Somehow I knew.”
“My sister,” I rasp, amazed I can make any sound at all.
“Yes. I-I held her, Keller. We…” Britt chokes on a cry. “We held each other. I saw… I watched her die. Her eyes. How they lost their life. It’s the last thing I saw before…” Britt reaches back and touches her scar. “I’m so sorry, Keller.” Britt is openly sobbing, her tiny frame shaking as she lets out a decade of misery. “She saved me… her body was between me and the… the…”
Stunned by her revelation, I try to stand, to get a minute to put myself together, but Britt has a death grip on my hand.
“Keller! Don’t leave me!” Britt’s eyes are wide with panic. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t remember!”
“Just…just give me a second.” I tug my hand free and run it through my hair and over the stubble that grew overnight.
Britt held Kinsey as she died. Britt was shot in the head. They were together. My sister’s body saved Britt from certain death.
Everything crashes over me at once, the tsunami of emotions I’ve held back breaks through the dam, washing away the last vestiges of Killer, leaving Keller Keating alone and vulnerable to deal with the fallout. After ten years of hiding behind anger and violence, I have no choice but to face my grief. As my shields erode, guilt rises to the surface, exposed and raw as my divided soul repairs itself.
I turn to Britt, my vision blurred with tears. “I killed her, Britt. I was supposed to pick her up after school and forgot. It was my fault my little sister died.”
“No! Keller, that’s not true.”
“It is. I was so selfish, Britt. I forgot about Kinsey because I wanted to party and she died.” My legs nearly give out from the sheer weight of my sister’s death pressing down.
“Keller, please. Come hold me.”