Breaking the Cycle

I followed behind her, went into her room, and plopped down on the bed. The sheets were dank and smelly and I shuddered to think about what had taken place in there the night before. While not an expert on sex, it was clear to me that whatever Josh and Momma did together wasn’t normal. Far from it. I could hear them through the walls on a nightly basis when he returned from his security job at the local mall. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it rape, but it was definitely borderline. Rape was something he was more than capable of. I knew that firsthand as well.

I watched Momma slip into her maid uniform. She had been working as a housekeeper at the Motel 8 down the street ever since we moved to Richmond and found out that Josh didn’t intend to, nor could he keep, all the promises of the good life he had promised us.

“Momma, you’re not going to work today,” I insisted. “We’re going to get in your car and drive to D.C. to meet Irene, just like we planned.”

“Oh yeah? With what money, Miss Know-It-All?” She finished buttoning up her uniform and slid her feet into a pair of worn-out black loafers. “Cars run on gas and gas takes money. I’m flat broke.”

I clenched my teeth together, holding back the words gathering in my throat, and counted to ten. “How could you not have any money, Momma? I thought we were both going to save up for today?”

She grabbed a bottle of lotion off her dresser and pushed the pump down, letting the cool liquid drizzle into her palm. “First off, Kandace, we don’t know a damn thing about that Irene woman. She’s some crazy woman you met on the Internet that polluted your mind with a bunch of nonsense.”

“Irene is a woman just like you. She’s been where you are and her children have been where I am.” Momma hissed and rubbed the lotion on her arms and legs. “Besides, you met her and you know she isn’t crazy. What she said made a world of sense and that’s why we have to make a run for it now.”

“Make a run for it?” Momma giggled at my statement. “You make it sound like we’re runaway slaves headed for the Underground Railroad to get away from the massa.”

“Josh is your massa!” I exclaimed, speaking the truth and nothing but the truth. “When was the last time you stood up to him about anything?”

Momma raised her hand to me and I blocked my face with my forearm. “Girl, consider yourself lucky I don’t slap you silly!” She lowered her hand. “Talking to me like that! I’ll knock your head off!”

“I realize you’re scared.” I could see the fear in her eyes. “Sometimes, we just have to turn it over to God. Remember when Grandma used to say that all the time.”

Momma flung her arms around me, wrapped me in a bear hug and whispered in my ear, “Turn it over to God.”

It was so wonderful to have her arms caressing me lovingly. It had been so long, I almost forgot what her embraces felt like. “Yes, Momma, let’s turn this over to God.”

One of her tears made a cavalcade down my right cheek. She released me and looked at me through tear-drenched eyes. “I’m scared, just like you said. If we leave here, Josh will find us.”

“No, he won’t,” I stated adamantly. “Irene has assured me that there’s no chance.”

“This isn’t like television and the movies, Kandace. This is real life and he won’t stop until he finds us.” She went back over to the dresser, picked up a wood-handled brush, and started grooming her long, wavy black hair. “Perfect people with perfect lives in perfect towns only exist on the silver screen.”

“No one’s life is perfect,” I readily admitted. “But we aren’t supposed to live like this. We’re not supposed to live every day in fear.”

I could see Momma grin in the reflection of the mirror. “I have an idea. Why don’t you go? I can stay here and then Josh won’t have any reason to follow.”

I had managed to hold back my own tears up until that point, but that statement slashed through my heart. Would she really make me leave her? “I can’t do this without you, Momma. I’m only fourteen. I need you. I need you to be a real mother for a change.”

She swung around to glare at me, the smile transforming into a frown. “Are you saying that I’ve been a bad mother?”

I had no idea how to respond so I told the truth. “I don’t blame you, Momma.” I really didn’t blame her either. “I don’t think it’s been intentional but, yes, you have been a bad mother. I understand that it’s not your fault, though. You’re only repeating what you’ve seen. Abuse is all that you know.” The expression on her face was blank; devoid of emotion. I couldn’t tell whether she wanted to hit me or kiss me. “I have thirty-seven dollars. I saved it from my baby-sitting money. That’s enough gas to get us to D.C. and we can make some sandwiches, in case we get hungry. That way, we don’t have to buy any fast food.”

“I can’t do this, Kandace.” Momma shook her head in dismay. “I can’t pick up and leave Josh like this. He’s my husband. I promised to love and honor him forever. I took vows.”

“And he’s broken all of them,” I quickly pointed out. “He lies, he cheats, he beats on you.”

“What do you mean, he cheats?” Momma grabbed me by the shoulders and started shaking me violently. “What the hell do you mean, he cheats?”

I let out a hideous scream and she let me go. “He brings other women here when you’re not home, okay? There, I’ve said it.” I paused while the reality of the situation sunk in. “Then, there’s me.”

“You?” Momma clutched her chest, feigning a heart attack.

“Yes, don’t pretend you haven’t seen the signs, Momma.” I sat down on the bed, scared to death and ashamed, but it was time for everything to come out in the open. Momma was still showing reluctance about leaving Josh. I had to come clean. “He started having sex with me when I was twelve, about a year

after you got married. He told me that if I ever told, he would send me away. That he would split us up for good and that there was no way you would ever believe me. It was his word against mine.”

“You lie!” Momma whacked me on the arm with a vengeance before I had a chance to protect myself. “Take that back right now! Take it back!”

I rubbed my arm, trying to ease the pain, and stared up at her. “I guess he was right,” I whispered. “You don’t believe me.”