“So what did you just say?”
“I said no hay problema, which means no problem, and no es bueno, which means it is not good.”
“Gotcha!”
“So bitch-ass behavior is when a man acts effeminate, like a little bitch, when it comes to handling his responsibilities as a man. Throwing tantrums, trying to place the blame on the woman for their own spineless behavior, and running away instead of staying and facing the music when the shit hits the fan.”
“Okay, that was enlightening. What is fuckery?”
“Fuckery is when every day begins and ends in drama because a man can’t keep a dick in his pants. Instead of just staying single and doing him, he has to string a bunch of women along, pit them against one another like two dogs in a fight, and he causes a bunch of confusion and ruins several lives simultaneously, sometimes the lives of their own children. The men who think they’re setting a good example for their kids by seeing their mothers crying themselves to sleep each night, with or without bruises, and then falling in way over in the morning in time to share a bowl of sugar-laden cereal with them before they leave for school, stressed out and angry.”
“Wow, you sure have a low opinion of men!”
“Not all men, but you asked me to explain the terminology, so I am. You want me to stop?”
“No, but let me get some more wine.” Jonovan downed that glass and poured another as I went on.
“Now the difference between community dick and water cooler dick is rather simple. Community dick is a man who sleeps with a bunch of women in the same vicinity, or a group of women within the same social circle. Like Leon blowing out Amy’s back in the morning and blowing out Marigold’s back that night.”
“Marigold?” Jonovan laughed. “So community dick would be a dude who’s sleeping with two best friends?”
“Or cousins, or sisters. Possibly even a mother and daughter combo.” I poured some more wine as well. I was tipsy, so I was talking mad shit at that point. “Water cooler dick is a man who, like the name implies, is fucking a lot of broads at his place of employment. Let me backtrack for a hot minute and add that most community dicks don’t have jobs. Their careers are making dozens of babies, claiming only some of them, and hitting up their various women for money.”
“Hmm, okay.”
“Now water cooler dick has chicks all confused. Their first mistake is lusting after people at work. The men have it made because the fact that they work together gives them a legitimate reason to keep their sexcapades on the down low. They convince each and every one of them that they are the one, but they’re full of so much bullshit in their colons that it’s amazing that it’s not trickling out their mouths when they speak.”
“This is fascinating,” Jonovan said with much sarcasm. “You’re funny.”
“The drunk mind speaks the sober heart.”
“So I
’ve heard.”
“The women who are sexing the same man in the workplace end up dealing with foolishness while clocking dollars and sometimes end up scrapping in the lunchroom over the man while he is in the broom closet eating another chick’s snatch for lunch.”
“Damn, the visual on that one!”
“I’m sure you’ve seen it all,” I said with a giggle. “But you get my point.”
“Yes, and thanks for breaking that down for me. Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Why do you hate men?”
“I don’t hate men, but I do understand them. I believe that most men are capable of love. However, I don’t believe they understand the parameters of being in love. They’re given a blueprint for excuses to justify their actions, but is there ever truly a justification for damaging someone else’s spirit? And just because a woman accepts their behavior and lets them get away with it, that doesn’t make it right. A woman’s ability to accept pain doesn’t mean that she deserves it.”
“I really like you,” Jonovan blurted out. “I enjoy listening to you speak, and watching your lips move. I don’t mean that in a sensual way, either, and it’s not a pickup line. I’m happier when you’re around and when you open up to me. I’m glad you feel comfortable doing it. When you told me what happened to you when you were a child in Guyana, that meant a lot to me and, as promised, I haven’t mentioned it to anyone else, nor will I.”
We sat there in silence, staring at each other. I was not a trusting person, but maybe that could change. Marcella had kind of gotten to me during our last visit. That was why I had called Jonovan. An excursion to a private island off the coast of Norway was a bit over the top for a first date, but that was the life I was living. There was no reason to downplay my lifestyle to prevent him from being intimidated. If we did hook up, it would all become a part of his life as well. But could it ever work? I’d seen a lot of men who were extremely successful in their own right cave under the pressure of having a celebrity wife, and vice versa. The one big difference between some of my counterparts and me was that being famous was not a factor for me. I loved to create, sing and dance, and perform in front of crowds but, after that, I craved solitude.
I kept staring at Jonovan. I could tell he was starting to feel uncomfortable and possibly even regret what he had expressed to me. The true question wasn’t whether he could handle being with me, it was whether I could handle a relationship, period.
“Did I say something wrong?” he finally asked.
“No. I’m sorry. My mind was wandering.”