“There are a lot of them that look like men in here. It’s hard to tell sometimes.”
Simpson eased my mind momentarily, but as we continued to talk and wait for our relief, I couldn’t get my words, or Deirdra’s face, out of my mind.
The next night really freaked me out. I began to wonder during my silent time if, in fact, I was a lesbian. I rationalized that I wasn’t because, technically, Deirdra wasn’t a woman. She carried herself like a man. Her walk, her talk, her aroma, her baggy style of dress, all of those characteristics belonged to a man. A rather sexy man with a special connection to the female species—a man that was stuck somewhere between panties and boxers.
I arrived at work at my regular time and pulled up next to a car to easily maneuver parallel parking. A man stood at the back of the car in front of me and turned to see exactly what I was doing, and why was my vehicle so close to his. Looking away from my site of the curb, I noticed his face full on. My thoughts were, “Now that’s a nice-looking brotha. He’s well-groomed, has a nice car, and is smooth and handsome.” When I turned my car off, the man closed his trunk and walked past me. He went under a street-light and I received a much clearer view of him. Deirdra. The man I married in my mind for a few seconds was Deirdra.
During my lunch break that night I went and sat in my car to try and clear my head. The first person I thought of was Deirdra. What the hell was going on with me? I actually wanted to step to her and say anything. Anything that would let me into her world. Anything that would give me insight into why I was suddenly feeling her. Was it because she looked like the man that I’ve always desired, or because I’ve secretly wanted a woman for my mate
all along?
“Shit, I have to stop thinking about her dyke ass.” I had to believe those thoughts and be strong in them. Still, I wondered what kind of lover would she be? Would she be hardcore like a thug brotha, or sensitive because she knows how to handle what a woman has?
I found out Deirdra’s name by pretending to do a bed check and asked the woman that slept next to her what was dykie’s name. It hurt to conceal my emotions, but some things are better left undiscovered.
The next night as two other guards and I congregated at one post, she walked past. She approached us from behind, so I didn’t get a chance to see her lovely face, just her luscious physique from the rear. It was okay for me to look then, because I could blow it off as seeing something like a space creature, and I had to describe its appearance.
My eyes followed Deirdra’s frame from top to bottom. I wanted to go into the shower room with her to soap and massage her body. Instead, I hid my feelings by saying, “That’s some freaky shit right there. Will you look at that?”
“I know. A woman eating pussy is nasty. Most of the bitches in here do it.” Mrs. Portland was a bit older and had been married and divorced twice. She was the one person I could never let see me looking at my forbidden lover.
Foolishly, I replied, “Yeah, I agree,” and we went back to discussing the events of the day. My mind stayed on what was behind the shower door, though.
One night we made eye contact as soon as I reported to my assigned post. It was as if we were looking for each other on some sort of scavenger hunt. Our brief glance held the contents of what we both were searching for. My heart raced when I saw her, and I walked over to try and fish out her feelings for me.
I smiled sheepishly and began to sweat. “Hey, uh, hi.” This was the first time I had been in her face without hiding. I took a step closer to her to appear friendlier and she reciprocated.
“How are you?”
Not knowing if I should revisit our awkward moment, I asked, “Are you okay?”
“As fine as I can be in this place.”
“Yes, you are fine.” My words spilled out the same as a boiling black covered kettle about to blow, and in an instant, she knew.
“Do you know what dorm I’m in?”
“Yes.” My words were wet and easy—just like I would be for her.
“Well, why don’t you come see me when you get time?”
Another guard calling me on my radio interrupted us. Instead of having a chance to continue behaving like an obsession that needed to be conquered, Deirdra walked away and left me standing, wishing we could exchange wedding vows right then.
At three-thirty one guard went on her lunch break and the other one was asleep. It was then that I walked into the dorm and found her bed. I stepped lightly toward Deirdra’s cot, found it, and stood over her viewing her as if she were my prized possession. She slept peacefully on her back and I bent down closer to her face, wanting desperately to kiss her full lips with my moist ones.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Regardless of how she looks or who she is, she’s a woman. You can’t bring pussy to get pussy. I can’t do this shit. But damn she’s fine. How can I explain that the finest man I know is a woman?
Trying to suppress my urges didn’t happen. We both ended up in the bathroom together, and alone, at four twenty-two in the morning. I didn’t try to stop myself. I wanted her. I wanted to taste her. I wanted her to be the one I left in the morning and came home to every night. I wanted to feel her soft, masculine hands all over my body. In return, I’d caress her with my supple ones and soothe away any confusion that might still be between us.
Deirdra, feeling the same as me, lifted her hand and summoned me closer. She pulled me near with her finger and we stepped into a cramped bathroom stall. Her smell of sweet brut musk dazed me as we shared a great kiss of lust. Our bodies meshed together as our hands roamed each other’s prohibited territory. I became weak in her touch. I took on the role of the less aggressive one, choosing to let her lead me through a maze that I never wanted to end.
“What’s your name, security guard?” is what she asked as our tongues licked each other in perfect sensations.
“Syreeta.”
“Ah, my Syreeta.”
Our experience came to a halt when someone stepped into the stall next to us. We promised with our eyes that the next day would be the one. The day she would come to my place and we’d be together as woman and woman, man and wife, or lovers in lust.