“You and your encyclopedia head. I like the fact that you’re a thinker. Not every woman can stimulate me intellectually.”
Oh, I plan to stimulate you, all right!
“I still need to warn you.”
“Oh, yeah,” he said. “I forgot about the warning you wanted to issue to me earlier.”
“I hope you don’t take any of this the wrong way.”
“One way to find out. Issue the warning and let me decide how I take it.”
I got up off the sofa and went over to the TV that had an iPod dock attached to it. My iPod was already there, charging.
“I need some theme music.”
“Theme music?” I could hear Tevin chuckling. “To talk to me?”
“Yes. Haven’t you ever noticed that there’s usually at least one song that explains and expresses what you’re thinking at any given moment in time?”
“Never really thought of it like that, but it makes sense. So what’s your theme song for this moment in time?”
“?‘Things Don’t Exist’ by Goapele. Ever heard it?”
“No; never. What’s it about?”
“Just listen to it and then I’ll pour my heart out to you afterwards.”
“Pour your heart out? Maybe I should pour us some wine.”
We both laughed nervously as the song started. It seemed silly, but I really wanted him to be able to relate to how I was feeling. “Things Don’t Exist” summed it up perfectly.
Tevin sat there and listened to the nearly five-minute song that described a woman who was blue and who admitted that she was her own worst enemy. She sang about how when she looked into her current man’s eyes she saw a love that she had never known, and about how things still existed in her heart that she hoped to get rid of so she could embrace love.
“Deep song,” Tevin said after it ended. “Let me analyze it, even though I am not a Virgo.”
I giggled. “No one ever said that only Virgos can analyze things, only that we tend to go overboard sometimes.”
“Sometimes?”
“Okay, all the time.” I rubbed Tevin’s cheek tenderly. “I wanted you to hear that song because it truly does sum up the woman that I am, in this moment, here with you. I see something in the way that you look at me that I actually do believe is real, but I’m broken. I’m broken and hurt, and as much as I wish that I wasn’t, it’s the truth.
“I’m not sure why you made the decision to even try to establish anything real with me. I’m a good woman and I know it, but I’ve always been a good woman. I was a good woman when Wesley decided to commit to me over all the others. And I was also a good woman when he cheated on me, gave me chlamydia, got me pregnant, and put a pillowcase over my head and beat me half to death. I decided to abort the child without him ever knowing. Don’t judge me for that, please.”
Tevin took me into his arms. “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.”
“The dummy actually believed that using a pillowcase wouldn’t leave any bruises. Can you believe that? He actually told that to the police at the emergency room when they came to arrest him. Like using a pillowcase should get him a pass for putting his hands on me.”
“I wish that I could get my hands on that motherfucker. I’d kill him.”
I could tell that Tevin was serious. It was a pleasant thought, but not a realistic one.
“Trust me, I considered killing him myself, but that would have allowed him to take everything from me . . . including my freedom. He damaged me enough. I call what Wesley did to me my initial ‘hit and run.’ Then other men came along, saw me as a wounded deer in the middle of the road, and ran over me again. Used me for sex; used me for money; used me as a punching bag. Then it became normal. It is what I came to expect.
“I started wondering if the way that romance and love were portrayed in books and movies from the past was all a myth. If you look at the current novels and theatrical releases, the romantic comedies and love stories, they all make it seem like two people can meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after. Yet, most of my friends are struggling to even find a man to fuck that isn’t already doing another one of our friends.”
“I take it that it’s been a while since you’ve been with someone, Jemistry, and I want you to know that I don’t want to rush you.” He sighed. “No, let me rephrase that. I don’t want you to think that you’re obligated to do anything with me. Of course, I’d love to make love to you, but that has to be what you truly want.”
“I know that you would never force me to do something with you, Tevin. And the fact of the matter is that I’ve changed to some degree. I made a promise to myself that I would never allow another man to hurt me ever again. He might get one shot in, but after the first red flag, it’s over. I wouldn’t be here with you if I thought you were capable of intentionally hurting me. Yet, in the back of my mind, I don’t put anything past anyone.”