The Heat Seekers

The male strippers were running late, and all of the women were anxiously awaiting their arrival. Janessa and her cousin Chiquita had ventured out a couple of nights before to catch the Wednesday-night male revue at the Black Screw, where they found the strippers they hired.

Tempest was looking forward to the show. Through the big-dick-alert grapevine of the D.C. Society of Sistahs in Pursuit of Good Men, Tempest had heard some very intriguing rumors about the Black Screw. She’d never been there personally, and frankly, her ass was half scared to go. Sistahs claimed the place was sportin’ wall-to-wall naked men with Mandingo dicks. Legend had it that there was even a brotha in there who was sportin’ such a gargantuan dang-a-lang that he sucked it onstage. Tempest wondered who on earth would fuck a man like that. Big can be a good thing, but too damn big can be hazardous to your pelvic muscles.

Tempest briefly dated a brotha originally from Bermuda, who was raised in London. Nevel’s accent turned her on big-time. She loved it when he called her “luv.” Everything was cool between them until they ended up in a compromising position one night in his Adam’s Morgan flat. Nevel took it out of his pants; Tempest took it in with her eyes and immediately faked a muscle cramp in her leg.

She toyed with the idea of saying she was on her period, or even faking nausea. She knew no man wanted some so bad that he would willingly risk a sistah hurling all over his back or, worse yet, his dick.

Nevel tried to massage the cramp out so he could get some, but there was no way in the hell he was sticking that thing up in her. Tempest considered herself adventurous, but she was not about to venture there. She ran the worst-case scenario through her head, pondering whether or not her health insurance would cover surgical dick removal from a vagina.

She was tempted to give his dick a test drive but decided to keep her leg cramp and hobble on out to her car. She ran home to call Janessa to spill the beans, and that huzzy had the nerve to ask for his digits. Even though Tempest had no intention of ever seeing Nevel again, sistahgurl wasn’t getting anything from her—all she needed was Janessa bragging on getting the bottom knocked out of her pussy.

“Listen up, everybody,” Janessa announced. “The strippers just called and said they would be here in about an hour, so we’re gonna play a couple of games while we’re waiting.”

“What kind of games?” Janessa’s Aunt Mabel asked. “I hope they’re not boring.”

“Oh, I doubt you will be bored, Aunt Mabel,” Janessa replied, winking at her. Her aunt sat up on the edge of her seat after registering that comment. She knew how wild Janessa could be, and it suddenly seemed like the night was getting interesting. “First, we’re going to play Pin the Dick on the Mandingo,” Janessa continued. “And then we’re going to play a quick round of Ghetto Jeopardy. By that time, the dancers should be here.”

“Oooh, I just love Ghetto Jeopardy!” Tracy, one of the bridesmaids, said excitedly. “Ya’ll ever played that joint before?”

Most of the women shook their heads and answered no, but another bridesmaid, Yvonne, yelled out, “I have! We played at my family reunion last year. My peeps came to blows over it, though, because we were betting quarters. It was almost as bad as Acey Ducey. We had to ban that game from our reunions after my Uncle Jack ended up with a broken nose.”

“Umm, Yvonne, thanks for the

family history lesson,” Janessa said, smacking her lips. “But we’d like to get started some time today. Damn!”

Yvonne rolled her eyes at Janessa and went to sulk in a corner. It was common knowledge that the two of them hated each other. They even got into a fistfight one Saturday night at a Junkyard Band go-go when they were teenagers, and the police had to break it up.

Everyone’s eyes almost popped out of their sockets when Janessa went to the laundry room and returned with a life-size poster of a brotha with a huge, elephantine dick down to his ankles.

“Who in the hell is that?” Marquita asked, sipping a cup of potato wine. “Dang, I thought my boo had a big one!”

“That’s Mandingo,” Chiquita replied. “I told you about him. He’s one of the headliners at the Black Screw.”

“Dizammmmmmm, I hope he’s the one you’ve got coming here tonight!” Marquita exclaimed, looking like she was ready to feel herself up just thinking about him.

“Naw, he’s not,” Janessa said, dejected. “He already had another party to do tonight, so we missed out. He was definitely my first choice, though.”

“Mine, too,” Chiquita agreed, giving Janessa a high five. “He had me creaming all over myself at the club when he was performing.”

Tempest cleared her throat, hoping to remind Janessa, Marquita, and Chiquita that there were older women in the room who probably hadn’t seen a dick in decades.

Janessa caught her drift and hung the picture up with some tape on the wall by the fireplace.

“Okay, this is pretty simple,” Janessa began. “It has the same rules as Pin the Tail on the Donkey, except you have to pin the dick on the Mandingo.”

She handed each of the women a cutout photocopy of a dick, much shorter than the one on the wall, and gave them a piece of tape to use to stick it on. They each took turns being blindfolded and trying to hit the right spot. Tempest passed on her turn because she thought the whole thing was damn ridiculous, not to mention inappropriate to do around senior citizens.

Ironically, the senior citizens were the ones who had the most fun playing. In fact, Janessa’s grandmother, half blind and all, won the game by pinning it on the exact spot.

“Dizammmmmm, Grandma, you won,” Marquita exclaimed. “You didn’t forget where it is, did you?”

“You go on with your bad self,” Aunt Mabel guffawed. “You did better than me. Mine is the one all the way up there under his armpit.”

Mrs. Porter flashed her dentures. “It’s like riding a bike, young ladies. Just like riding a bike. You never forget!”

They all fell out laughing. Janessa asked Tempest to go get the red gift bag from under the steps while she took the picture down off the wall.

“Grandma, Tempest is getting your prize,” Janessa informed her. “I hope it’s not too much for you to handle.”