Addicted

He brushed his hand across my cheek. “Yes— Marcella called me to tell me you came out of your coma, and I rushed over here. She told me to wait until this morning, but I couldn’t, so while you were sleeping, I raided the allnight drugstore down the street. It was after hours for the gift shop here in the hospital.”

“You’re so sweet! Thanks!”

“No, thank you for being alive and coming back to me. I was so afraid you were going to die when I saw that van hit you. I didn’t get there in time to stop it. It was all my fault you were out there in the middle of the traffic in the first place.”

“Jason, none of this is your fault. I’m the one who fucked up, just like you said. I can’t believe you’re even here with me after all the things I did. I deserve to lose everything, and I’ll understand if you want to end the marriage. I don’t want you to stay just because of the kids.”

He took my hand, spread my fingers open, and kissed them one at a time. “Zoe, I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay, and don’t interrupt, because I might lose my nerve and never get all the words out.”

I turned a little bit more toward him so I could rest my hand on his thigh. “Okay, I’m listening.”

“Before there were any kids, before there was any house or any business, there was me and you. As much as we hated each other the first time we met—and by the way, I still swear up and down you are exaggerating about kicking my ass.” We both giggled. “Anyway, as much as we despised each other at first, what eventually grew out of that was love, real love , and it’s the kind of love that never dies.”

I bit my bottom lip to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I knew that if I felt the pain, then I wasn’t imagining Jason’s words. My lip did begin to ache, and I was grateful for the pain. “I love you, Zoe. That’s why it hurt so bad when Tyson came storming into my office telling me not only things about you that I never knew, but also things I could never imagine you doing.”

Tears starting running down my cheeks, and I wanted to tell him I never meant to hurt him. I wanted to tell him so many things, but he had asked me not to say a word, so I just listened. “Looking back on it now, all the signs were there. You did try to talk to me on countless occasions, and I always snapped at you. I can see that now. Dr. Spencer told me how you related everything to her about how we met, how we fell in love, and how things got complicated. She even told me you thought I looked sexy riding my dad’s old lawn mower with no shirt on. I never knew that.”

He made me laugh again, and hearing the old version of Jason again was heartwarming, to say the least. “You see, the only side of this whole story I’ve ever been able to relate to is my own. I never knew your side of the story. I never knew the things that went on in your mind. Not until now.

“Somewhere along the way, we lost something, and I think that something is communication. I promise you that you’ll never have to look for love and attention from anywhere else. Not ever again. You can talk to me about anything, and I won’t snap at you. I won’t say it’s immoral or disgusting. I promise!”

He took his hand and gently started caressing my stomach. “As far as the aff

airs you had, I was very upset and disappointed. I have to be honest and tell you it may take a while for me to truly get over it, but I will. We can get past this because I realize you didn’t do it to hurt me, you didn’t do it because you didn’t love me, and I know you never loved any of them. When you told me you were sick that night, I didn’t believe you. Now, after talking to the doctor, I do think you did all of those things for reasons beyond your control.”

Jason kissed me gently on my lips. “We’re going to get through this, and we’re going to save our marriage—no matter what it takes, no matter how long it takes. Dr. Spencer’s going to help us, and she has a friend down in Florida who’s willing to come up here and help us overcome our sexual issues. I love you, Zoe, and this is forever.”

He got quiet so I added, “Always has been! Always will be!”

We lay there, holding each other in silence, and something Jason had mentioned began to worry me. “Jason?”

“Yes, baby?”

“What did you mean when you said Dr. Spencer and her friend are going to help us deal with our sexual issues?”

“Huh?” He had a perplexed look on his face.

“You said our sexual issues, not just mine.”

He stared at me, and his eyes got watery. “Yes, I did say that.”

“What did you mean by that?” My heart started thumping loudly in my chest.

“There are some things I need to tell you also, Zoe. There are reasons why it’s always been difficult for me to make love to you completely. Just know that it was never anything about you. It was never anything about your appearance, like you apparently thought. You’ve always been and will always be the most beautiful and amazing woman in the entire world to me.”

I tried to prop myself up on a pillow using my elbows, but I was too weak. “Are you saying you cheated on me too, Jason?”

“No, I told you I never cheated on you, and I haven’t. I’ve never even thought about it. I promise you that.”

“Then what is it, Jason?” I wanted him to explain what he meant, because he was scaring the hell out of me.

“Zoe, let’s just get some rest. I’m so tired. Running back and forth from the hospital and trying to keep up with everything else has drained me this past week. I’m just glad you didn’t fool around and die on me. After we get some rest and the doctors get here, we’ll get this all cleared up for once and for all.”

He didn’t say anything else, and I didn’t bother him. I let him fall asleep with his head on my chest. I wanted to know what he meant, but decided to wait until the doctors got there, as he requested. All that time, I thought I was the only one with the sexual issues. While I knew Jason was not willing to experiment in bed, I never thought he had any real problems except for lack of creativity. Obviously I was wrong, and the road to recovery was going to have more twists and turns than I had ever imagined. We loved each other though, and our love was strong. If it could survive all the shit I had dealt it, then it could survive anything about Jason that might surface. As I drifted off to sleep, I whispered aloud to no one in particular, “I’ve survived my cheating. I’ve survived getting hit by a freakin’ van, and I will survive this too, so bring it on!”

chapter

twenty-seven