My Uncle Oswald

The Russian Ambassador, 10 pills = 10,000 francs

The Hungarian Ambassador, 3 pills = 3,000 francs

The Peruvian Ambassador, 2 pills = 2,000 francs

The Mexican Ambassador, 6 pills = 6,000 francs

The Italian Ambassador, 4 pills = 4,000 francs

The French Foreign Minister, 6 pills = 6,000 francs

The Army General, 3 pills = 3,000 francs

* * *

46,000 francs

Mr Mitsouko, 20 pills (double price) = 40,000 francs

* * *

GRAND TOTAL 86,000 francs

* * *

Eighty-six thousand francs! At the exchange rate of one hundred francs to five pounds, I was all of a sudden worth four thousand, three hundred English pounds! It was incredible. One could buy a good house for money like that, with a carriage and a pair of horses thrown in, as well as one of those dashing new-fangled automobiles!

For supper that night, Madame Boisvain served oxtail stew and it wasn't at all bad except that the sloshiness of it all encouraged Monsieur B to suck and swig and gulp in the most disgusting fashion. At one point, he picked up his plate and tipped the gravy straight into his mouth together with a couple of carrots and a large onion. 'My wife tells me that you had a lot of peculiar visitors today,' he said. His face was plastered with brown fluid and strands of meat were hanging from his moustache. 'Who were these men?'

'They were friends of the British Ambassador,' I answered. 'I am doing a little business for Sir Charles Makepiece.'

'I cannot have my house turned into a marketplace,' Monsieur B said, speaking with his mouth full of fat. 'These activities must cease.'

'Don't worry,' I said. 'Tomorrow I am finding alternative accommodation.'

'You mean you're leaving?' he cried.

'I'm afraid I must. But you may keep the advance rent my father has paid you.'

There was a bit of an uproar around the table about all this, much of it from Mademoiselle Nicole, but I stuck to my guns. And the next morning I went out and found myself a quite grand ground-floor apartment with three large rooms and a kitchen. It was on the Avenue Jena. I packed all my possessions and loaded them into a hackney coach. Madame Boisvain was at the front door to see me off. 'Madame,' I said, 'I have a small favour to ask of you.'

'Yes?'

'And in return I want you to take this.' I held out five gold twenty-franc pieces. She nearly fell over. 'From time to time,' I said, 'people will call at your house asking for me. All you have to do is tell them I have moved and redirect them to this address.' I gave her a piece of paper with my new address written on it.

'But that is too much money, Monsieur Oswald!'

'Take it,' I said, pushing the coins into her hand. 'Keep it for yourself. Don't tell your husband. But it is very important that you inform everyone who calls where I am living.'

She promised to do this, and I drove away to my new quarters.

6

My business flourished. My ten original clients all whispered the great news to their own friends and those friends whispered it to other friends and in a month or so a large snowball had been created. I spent half of each day making pills. I thanked heaven I had had the foresight to bring such a large quantity of powder from the Sudan in the first place. But I did have to reduce my price. Not everyone was an Ambassador or a Foreign Minister, and I found early on that a lot of people simply couldn't afford to pay my absurd original fee of one thousand francs per pill. So I made it two hundred and fifty instead.

The money gushed in.

I started buying fine clothes and going out into Paris society.