My Uncle Oswald

PICASSO, Pablo " " 38

RAVEL, Maurice " " 44

RUSSELL, Bertrand " " 47

SCHOENBERG, Arnold " " 45

TAGORE, Rabindranath " " 58

TROTSKY, Lev Davidovich " " 40

VALENTINO, Rudolph " " 24

WILSON, Woodrow " " 63

Of course there were errors and omissions in these lists. There is no more difficult game than to try spotting an authentic and enduring genius during his lifetime. Fifty years after he's dead it becomes easier. But dead men were no use to us. One more point. Rudolph Valentino was included not because we thought he was a genius. It was a commercial decision. We were guessing that the semen of a man who had such an immense and fanatical band of followers might well be a good

seller in days to come. Nor did we think Woodrow Wilson was a genius, or Caruso. But they were world-famous figures, and we had to take that into consideration.

Europe, of course, must be covered first. The long trip to America would have to wait. So on to one wall of the living-room we fixed an enormous map of Europe and covered it with little flags. Each flag pinpointed the precise whereabouts of a candidate: red flags for the priorities, yellow for the second group, with a name and address on each flag. Thus, Yasmin and I would be able to plan our visits geographically, area by area, instead of rushing from one end of the continent to the other, and back again. France had the most flags of all, and the Paris region was literally cluttered with them.

'What a pity both Degas and Rodin died two years ago,' I said.

'I want to do the kings first,' Yasmin said. The three of us were sitting in the living-room of 'Dunroamin' discussing the next move.

'Why the kings?'

'Because I have a terrific urge to be ravished by royalty,' she said.

'You are being flippant,' A. R. Woresley said.

'Why shouldn't I choose,' she said. 'I'm the one at the receiving end, not you. I'd like to do the King of Spain first. Then we can nip over to Italy and do old Vittorio Emmanuele, then Yugoslavia, then Greece, and so on. We'll polish off the whole lot of them in a couple of weeks.'

'May I ask how you intend to gain access to all these royal palaces?' A. R. Woresley said to me. 'Yasmin can't just go knocking on the front door and expect to be received in private by the King. And don't forget it's got to be in private or it's no good.'

'That part shouldn't be too difficult,' I said.

'It's going to be impossible,' Woresley said. 'We shall probably have to forget about the kings.'

I had been working on this problem for several weeks and I had my answer ready. 'Easy as pie,' I said. 'We shall use King George the Fifth as a decoy. He'll get her in.'

'Don't be ridiculous, Cornelius.'

I went to a drawer and took out some sheets of notepaper. 'Let's assume you want to do the King of Spain first,' I said, riffling through the sheets. 'Ah yes, here we are. My dear Alfonso...' I handed the notepaper to Woresley. Yasmin got up from her chair to look at it over his shoulder.

'What in God's name is this?' he cried.

'It's an extremely personal letter from King George the Fifth to King Alfonso,' I said. And indeed it was.

The notepaper had a heavily embossed royal coat of arms in red at the top centre, and on the top right, also embossed in red, it said simply BUCKIN GHAMPALACE, LONDON. Below, in a reasonable imitation of the King's flowing handwriting, I had written the following:

My Dear Alfonso

This will introduce to you a dear friend of mine, Lady Victoria Nottingham. She is travelling alone to Madrid to clear up a small matter that has to do with an estate that has come to her through her Spanish maternal grandmother.

My request is that you see Lady Victoria briefly and in absolute privacy. She is having some trouble with the local authorities over title deeds and I am sure that if you yourself, after she has explained her problem, will drop a hint with the right people, then everything will go smoothly for her.

I am taking you, my dear Alfonso, very deeply into my confidence when I tell you that Lady Victoria is an especially close personal friend of mine. Let us leave it at that and say no more. But I know I can rely upon you to keep this intelligence entirely to yourself.