My Uncle Oswald

'So the snails can purge themselves. When did you get the signed notepaper? Right at the beginning?'

'At the beginning, yes. I always do.'

'But why did it say Boulevard Haussmann on it, instead of Rue Laurent-Pichet?'

'I asked him that myself,' she said. 'He told me that's where he used to live. He's only just moved.'

'That's all right, then,' I said.

They took the empty snail-shells away and soon afterwards they brought on the grouse. By grouse I mean red grouse. I do not mean black grouse (black cock and grey hen) or wood grouse (capercailye) or white grouse (ptarmigan). These others are good, especially the ptarmigan, but the red grouse is the king. And provided of course they are this year's birds, there is no meat more tender or more tasty in the entire world. Shooting starts on the twelfth of August, and every year I look forward to that date with even greater impatience than I do to the first of September when the oysters come in from Colchester and Whitstable. Like a fine sirloin, red grouse should be eaten rare with the blood just a shade darker than scarlet, and at Maxims they would not like you to order it any other way.

We ate our grouse slowly, slicing off one thin sliver of breast at a time, allowing it to melt on the tongue and following each mouthful with a sip of fragrant Volnay.

'Who's next on the list?' Yasmin asked me.

I had been thinking about that myself, and now I said to her, 'It was going to be Mr James Joyce, but perhaps it would be nice if we took a short trip down to Switzerland for a change of scenery.'

'I'd like that,' she said. 'Who's in Switzerland?'

'Nijinski.'

'I thought he was up here with that Diaghilev chap.'

'I wish he was,' I said, 'but it seems he's gone a bit dotty. He thinks he's married to God, and he walks about with a big gold cross around his neck.'

'What rotten luck,' Yasmin said. 'Does that mean his dancing days are over?'

'Nobody knows,' I said. 'They say he was dancing at an hotel in St Moritz only a few weeks ago. But that was just for fun, to amuse the guests.'

'Does he live in an hotel?'

'No, he's got a villa above St Moritz.'

'Alone?'

'Unfortunately not,' I said. 'There's a wife and a child and a whole bunch of servants. He's a rich man. Fabulous sums he used to get. I know Diaghilev paid him twenty-five thousand francs for each performance.'

'Good Lord. Did you ever see him dance?'

'Only once,' I said. 'The year the war broke out, nineteen fourteen, at the old Palace Theatre in London. He did Les Sylphides. Stunning it was. He danced like a god.'

'I'm crazy to meet him,' Yasmin said. 'When do we leave?'

'Tomorrow,' I said. 'We have to keep moving.'

19

At this point in my narrative, just as I was about to describe our trip to Switzerland to find Nijinski, my pen suddenly came away from the paper and I found myself hesitating. Was I not perhaps getting into a rut? Becoming repetitious? Yasmin was going to be meeting an awful lot of fascinating people over the next twelve months, no doubt about that. But in nearly every case (there would of course be one or two exceptions) the action was going to be very much the same. There would be the giving of the Beetle powder, the ensuing cataclysm, the escape with the spoils, and all the rest of it, and that, however interesting the men themselves might be, was going to become pretty boring for the reader. Nothing would have been easier than for me to describe in great detail how the two of us met Nijinski on a path through the pinewoods below his villa, as indeed we did, and how we gave him a chocolate, and how we held him in conversation for nine minutes until the powder hit him, and how he chased Yasmin into the dark wood, leaping from boulder to boulder and rising so high in the air with each leap he seemed to be flying. But if I did that, then it would be fitting also to describe the James Joyce encounter, Joyce in Paris, Joyce in a dark blue serge suit, a black felt hat, old tennis shoes on his feet, twirling an ashplant and talking obscenities. And after Joyce, it would be Mr Bonnard and Mr Braque and then a quick trip back to Cambridge to unload our precious spoils in the Semen's Hom

e. A very quick trip that was because Yasmin and I were in the rhythm of it now and we wanted to push on until it was finished.

A. R. Woresley was wildly excited when I showed him our haul. We now had King Alfonso, Renoir, Monet, Matisse, Proust, Stravinsky, Nijinski, Joyce, Bonnard and Braque. 'And you've done a fine job with the freezing,' he said to me as he carefully transferred the racks of straws with their labels on them from my suitcase freezer to the big freezer in 'Dunroamin', our headquarters house. 'Keep going, children,' he said, rubbing his hands together like a grocer. 'Keep going.'

We kept going. It was the beginning of October now, and we went down south into Italy, looking for D. H. Lawrence. We found him living at the Palazzo Ferraro in Capri with Frieda, and on this occasion I had to distract fat Frieda for two hours out on the rocks while Yasmin went to work on Lawrence. We got a bit of a shock with Lawrence though. When I rushed his semen back to our Capri hotel and examined it under the microscope, I found that the spermatozoa were all stone dead. There was no movement there at all.

'Jesus,' I said to Yasmin. 'The man's sterile.'

'He didn't act like it,' she said. 'He was like a goat. Like a randy goat.'