' "Vorse than ever," he said. "Do you with this Doberman Pincher indulge in sexual relations?"
' "Don't be so daft, Dr Freud. Who do you think I am?"
' "You run avay from men," he said. "You run avay from dogs. You run avay from anything that an organ has..."
' "I've never heard such codswallop in all my life!" I cried. "I am not frightened of anyone's organ! I do not think it's a machine-gun! I think it's a bloody nuisance, that's all! I'm fed up with it! I've had enough!"
' "Do you like carrots, fraulein?" he asked me suddenly.
' "Carrots?" I said. "Good God. Not particularly, no. If I do have them I usually dice them. I chop them up."
' "Vot about cucumbers, fraulein?"
' "Pretty tasteless," I said. "I prefer them pickled."
' "Ja ja," he said, writing all this down on my record sheet. "It may interest you to know, fraulein, that the carrot and the cucumber are both very powerful sexuality symbols. They represent the masculine phallic member. And you are vishing either to chop it up or to pickle it!"
'I tell you, Oswald,' Yasmin said to me, 'it was as much as I could do to stop myself screaming with laughter. And to think people actually believe this horseshit.'
'He believes it himself,' I said.
'I know he does. He sat there writing it all down on a large sheet of paper. Then he said, "And vot also have you got to tell me, fraulein?"
' "I can tell you what I think is wrong with me," I said.
' "Proceed, please."
' "I believe I have a little dynamo inside me," I said, "and this dynamo goes whizzing round and round and gives off a terrific charge of sexual electricity."
' "Very interesting," he said, scribbling away. "Continue please."
' "This sexual electricity is of such high voltage," I said, "that as soon as a man comes close to me, it jumps across the gap from me to him and it jiggers him up."
' "Vot is meaning, please, jiggers him up?"
' "It means it excites him," I said. "It electrifies his private parts. It makes them red hot. And that's when he starts to go crazy and he jumps on me. Don't you believe me, Dr Freud?"
' "This is a serious case," the old geezer said. "It is going to take many psychoanalytical sessions on the couch to make you normal."
'Now all this time, Oswald,' Yasmin said to me, 'I was keeping an eye on my watch. And when eight minutes had gone by, I said to him, "Please don't rape me, Dr Freud. You ought to be above that sort of thing."
' "Do not be ridiculous, fraulein," he said. "You are hallucinating again."
' "But my electricity!" I cried. "It's going to jigger you up! I know it is! It's going to jump across from me to you and electrify your private parts! Your pizzle will become red hot! You will rip my clothes off! You will have your way with me!"
' "Stop this hysterical shoutings at once," he snapped and he got up from his desk and came and stood near where I was lying on the couch. "Here I am," he said, spreading out his arms. "I am not harming you, am I? I am not trying to jump upon you, yes?"
'And at that very moment, Oswald,' Yasmin said to me, 'the Beetle suddenly hit him and his doodly came alive and stuck out as though he had a walking-stick in his trousers.'
'You timed it lovely,' I said.
'Not bad, was it? So I thrust out my arm and pointed an accusing finger and shouted, "There! It's happening to you, you old goat! My electricity has jolted you! Will you believe me now, Dr Freud? Will you believe what I am saying?"
'You should have seen his face, Oswald. You really should have seen it. The Beetle was hitting him and the sex-crazy glint was coming into his eyes and he was beginning to flap his arms like an old crow. But I'll say this for him. He didn't jump me right away. He held off for at least a minute or so while he tried to analyse what the hell was happening. He looked down at his trousers. Then he looked up at me. Then he started muttering. "This is incredible!... amazing!... unbelievable!... I must make notes... I must record every moment. Vere is my pen, for God's sake? Vere is the ink? Vere is some paper? Oh, to hell with the paper! Please to remove your clothes, fraulein! I cannot vait any longer!" '
'Must have shaken him,' I said.
'Shook him rigid,' Yasmin said. 'It was undermining one of his most famous theories.'