My Uncle Oswald

'You didn't hatpin him, did you?'

'Of course not. He was really very decent about it all. As soon as he'd had his first explosion, and although the Beetle was still hitting him hard, he jumped away and ran back to his desk stark naked and began writing notes. He must be terrifically strong-minded. Great intellectual curiosity. But he was completely foxed and bewildered by what had happened to him.'

' "Do you believe me now, Dr Freud?" I asked him.

' "I have to believe you!" he cried. "You have opened up a whole new field with this sexual electricity of yours! This case will make history! I must see you again, fraulein."

' "You'll jump me," I said. "You won't be able to stop yourself."

' "I know," he said, smiling for the first time. "I know that, fraulein, I know."'

I got fifty first-class straws from Dr Freud.

21

From Vienna we drove north in the pale autumn sunshine to Berlin. The war had been over for only eleven months and the city was bleak and dreary, but we had two important persons to visit here and I was determined to collar them. The first was Mr Albert Einstein, and at his house in Haberlandstrasse 9, Yasmin had a pleasant and successful encounter with this amazing fellow.

'How was it?' I said, asking her the usual question in the car.

'He had a great time,' she said.

'Didn't you?'

'Not really,' she said. 'He's all brains and no body. Give me Puccini any day.'

'Will you please try to forget that Italian Romeo.'

'Yes, Oswald, I will. But I'll tell you what's odd. The brainy ones, the great intellects behave quite differently to the artistic ones when the Beetle hits them.'

'How?'

'The brainy ones stop and think. They try to figure out what on earth has happened to them and why it's happened. The artists just take it for granted and plunge right in.'

'What was Einstein's reaction?'

'He couldn't believe it,' she said. 'In fact he smelled a rat. He's the very first one who has ever suspected us of jiggery-pokery. Shows how bright he is.'

'What did he say?'

'He stood there and looked at me from under those bushy eyebrows and he said, "There is something extremely fishy here, fraulein. This is not my normal reaction to a pretty visitor."

' "Doesn't that depend on how pretty she is?" I said.

' "No, fraulein, it does not," he said. "Was that an ordinary chocolate you gave me?"

' "Perfectly ordinary," I said, quaking a bit. "I had one myself."

'The little chap was strongly hotted-up by the Beetle, Oswald, but like old Freud, he managed to hold off in the beginning. He paced up and down the room muttering "What is happening to me? This is not natural... There is something wrong... I would never allow this..."

'I was draped all over the sofa in a seductive attitude waiting for him to get on with it, but no, Oswald, absolutely not. For about five whole minutes his thinking process completely blocked out his carnal desires or whatever you call them. I could almost hear the old brain whizzing round as he tried to puzzle it out.'

' "Mr Einstein," I said, "relax."'

'You were dealing with the greatest intellect in the world,' I said. 'The man has supernatural powers of reasoning. Try to understand what he says about relativity and you'll see what I mean.'

'We'd be finished if someone twigged what we were doing.'

'No one will,' I said. 'There's only one Einstein.'