And that’s my fault. I killed them just like I killed her.
The only real question is, how many were in the car? Was it one person? A couple? An entire family?
“Do you think there were kids involved?” I ask quietly. Because the thought of that… God. It’s unbearable. I picture scared little kids strapped into car seats, covered in blood and terror. I squeeze my eyes closed to block out the imagined sight.
“I don’t know,” Finn answers, his voice just as quiet. “We could find out, if you want. We could look up the newspaper articles. If you think knowing would be better than not knowing.”
I think on that for a minute, because it’s tempting, so tempting. Then I shake my head.
“If dad won’t tell us, then it’s bad,” I decide. “That means that I’m better off not knowing.”
Finn nods and stares wordlessly out over the trees.
Finally he speaks. “But what was a car doing on this mountain? We’re the only ones who live here. No one else has any reason for being here that late at night. The Home was closed.”
It’s a question I’ve wondered about ever since it happened. Mom was rounding the curve in the middle of the lane because she wasn’t expecting anyone to be there.
But someone was.
And they’d hit each other head on.
“I don’t know,” I reply and my chest feels like ice, like my sternum will freeze and shatter. “Maybe they were lost.”
Finn nods because that’s a possibility, and the only one that makes sense, before he grabs my hand and holds it tight.
“It’s not your fault.”
His words are simple, his tone is solemn.
A lump forms, sticking halfway in my throat, in a limbo area, where it can neither be swallowed or cleared.
“It is.” My words are just as simple. “Why aren’t you mad at me for it?”
When Finn finally looks at me, his eyes are tortured, and blue as the sky.
“Because it can’t be undone. Because you’re the most important person to me. That’s why.”
I nod because now I know the truth. He’s not mad at me because he thinks I’m not at fault. It’s clear that I am. He’s not mad at me because I’m all he has, because I’m a part of him.
“We’ve got to go. I’m going to be late.”
I nod in agreement and we back away from the edge. With a last glance at the sad ravine, we climb back into the car, damp with the drizzle and our tears, and drive silently to the hospital.
When we’re inside, Finn turns to me before he slips into his room.
“There is a grief group. You should check it out.”
“Now you sound like dad,” I tell him impatiently. “I don’t need to talk to them. I have you. No one understands like you.”
He nods, because no one understands like him. And then he disappears into the place where he draws his strength, around people who suffer just like him.
I try not to feel inadequate that they can help him in ways that I can’t.
Instead, I curl up on my bench beneath the abstract bird. I pop ear-buds in my ears and close my eyes. I forgot my book today, so disappearing into music will have to do.
I concentrate on feeling the music rather than hearing it. I feel the vibration, I feel the words. I feel the beat. I feel the voices. I feel the emotion.
Someone else’s emotion other than my own is always a good thing.