The voices are insistent, more so than usual, more so than ever.
It’sTimeIt’sTimeIt’sTime.
Time for what?
I buzz along the road from the cemetery, up the mountain to my home, where I linger in the trees and watch my sister as she says goodbye to Dare and waits for me. I know she’s waiting for me, because she always does.
And unless I do something, that’s what she’ll always do.
DoItDoItDoIt.
I suddenly know what to do, and I head along the path for the pier. It doesn’t matter that she wouldn’t go to the cemetery with me, because I know she would’ve tried if I’d forced the issue. She would’ve tried and she would’ve been miserable because she’s not ready. I can’t force her to be ready. It has to happen in order.
It has to happen in order.
There’s an order.
It
Has
To
Happen
In
Order.
Sail away and don’t come back, a voice hisses. MakeHerSeeTheOrder.
Don’t, another one argues. ThisIsHerFaultHerFaultHerFault.
The voices argue and I let them, as I continue walking in the sea breeze toward the boat. I climb inside and lift the anchor.
29
VIGINTI NOVEM
Calla
When we get back home, I walk Dare to his house.
“Thank you for today,” I tell him softly. “I needed to get away.”
“You did,” he agrees with me. “And you still do.”
I swallow hard, because he’s right. I do need to get away, far from death and Astoria and here. But more and more, I feel that I can’t. I’ll never be able to truly get away, because I can’t leave Finn. Even if I follow him to MIT, I’ll still be surrounded by this forever.
But I don’t say that of course, because it’s depressing and he’d simply argue.
So instead, I simply lean up and kiss Dare’s perfectly chiseled cheek, wishing with all of my might that I could fold into his arms and he could comfort me and kiss me and hold me forever.
But I can’t because we’re waiting.
Waiting for me to work through something that can’t be worked through.
Dare disappears inside and I wait on my porch for my brother.