Aside from my parents and Finn.
But I don’t say that.
Instead, I face him squarely. “You’re scaring me. If you love me, then you shouldn’t be afraid to tell me the truth… about anything. Tell me, Dare.”
He stares at me, pausing.
“I can’t. It’s about me… who I am. You wouldn’t understand.”
I stare back, my spine straightened like steel. “Try me.”
He shakes his head, firm. “I can’t.”
Despair like I’ve never felt it before settles around me like a cloud. I thought he was my anchor, but if he can’t trust me enough to tell me who he even is, then I can’t trust him with my heart.
Even I know that my heart is too fragile for that right now.
“That’s not good enough,” I tell him slowly, each word fighting my lips. I don’t want to say them, but I have to. I have to.
I have to do what is good for me. What is smart for me.
“I’ve got enough secrets around me at the moment… whatever Finn is hiding. And his drama. I can’t take it from you too, Dare. I just can’t. If you can’t tell me what is going on with you… then….” The pain breaks my voice off and tears well up in my eyes.
Dare doesn’t fold. He just stares at me, daring me to say it. Dare me.
“If I can’t tell you what’s going on with, then what?” he pushes.
“Then I can’t be with you. Not if you don’t trust me enough to let me in.”
Dare sighs and takes my hand, his thumb stroking mine, but I pull it away.
“I mean it.”
“You don’t understand,” Dare tells me, his voice harsh. “I’m doing this for you. To protect you. There are things you don’t know. You can’t know, not right now. I love you, Calla. I do. But you’ve got to trust me.”
“I only trust people who are honest with me,” I reply evenly. “You’re not being honest.”
For the life of me, I don’t know how we went from having an amazing day to this, in the blink of an eye. Dare looks confused too, and shell-shocked and unsure of what to do.
“God, I want to be,” he tell me, his voice razor sharp. “I’m in a bad position, Calla. You don’t understand.”
“I only understand one thing,” I tell him and my heart threatens to break. “And it’s that I can’t do this right now. If you ever decide that you’re ready for something else with me, that you want to grow up and be honest, come get me. Until then, leave me alone.”
I get up and walk down the beach, fighting the urge to collapse at every step. What did I just do? Am I insane? I feel Dare watching me, I feel his gaze, and against my will, I glance over my shoulder.
He’s staring at me and the look in his eyes tears my insides apart. There’s pain there, raw, honest pain, and that’s all I can see. It swirls around and around, and then the stars whirl and suddenly, the world spins.
It’s too much to handle.
Anyone would crack.
So I do.
36
TRIGENTA SEX
I’m in my bed.