Not all of it.
They don’t know how I wake up in the night, and have to force myself to stay in bed, because the voices tell me to throw myself from the cliffs. To stop myself, I always dive into bed with Calla, because for whatever reason, she quiets the voices. But she can’t be with me every minute.
She can’t be with me during the day when my fingers itch to scratch into my skin, to pull my fingernails out, to run down to the bottom of the mountain and scream as I hurl myself into traffic.
Why would I itch to do these things?
Because of the fucking voices.
They won’t shut up.
It’s getting to the point where I don’t know what’s real and not real anymore, and that scares the piss out of me. It particularly scares the piss out of me because Calla and I will be separated soon. She thinks we’re going to the same school, that I’ve consenting to going to Berkeley with her. But I can’t. I can’t suck her down with me. I’d be the worst person in the world if I did.
So soon, I’ll be at MIT and she’ll be at Berkeley, and then what will happen?
She’ll be fine, because she’s sane. But what will happen to me?
As I come out of the therapy room, I bend and gulp a drink from the water fountain. A few drops of icy water trail down my neck and instantly the voices react.
Scratch it off.
My hand is already on my throat before I realize what I’m doing. Frustrated, I force my hand to my side.
I’m not going to hurt myself.
Jesus.
I have to stay sane.
Quickly, I find Calla curled up on her normal bench, staring into the distance. I cover the ground between us in twelve long strides.
“Cal? You ready?”
She stares at me like I’m a stranger, before realization filters across her face and she smiles.
“You ok?”
Calla’s voice wraps around me like a blanket.
She keeps me sane.
It’s always been that way, maybe even in the womb, for all I know.
Don’t let her know Don’t let her know Don’t let her know.
Don’t let her know.
I smile, a perfectly normal grin.
“Perfectus.” Perfect. “You ready?”
“Yep.”
We walk out of the hospital, into the afternoon sunlight and pile into the car. I start the engine and steer the car from the parking lot with shaking hands.
Act normal
Calla turns to me, her green eyes joined to mine. “You wanna talk about anything?”