My Peace (Beautifully Broken 5)

“I work best in the morning.”

“I don’t,” I reply honestly. She smiles.

“Tell me about you,” she suggests.

I pause. I don’t want to. But I know that until I get this over-with, it’s going to be like this every day.

“Where do you want me to start?”

“The beginning is always good.”

So that’s where I begin.

I tell her about everything. From my mother’s murder, to my childhood with my father, to my relationship with Mila, to my marriage, and through my captivity.

“That leaves us with today,” she points out. We’ve been talking for two hours already.

“Yeah.”

“Why are you here?”

“Because I don’t know what else to do. I have this… monster inside of me. And it will rear its head from now until eternity if I don’t figure something out.”

“If we can figure it out, will you go back to Mila?” she asks gently.

I stare straight ahead. “I’ll never risk her safety again.”

“You know, Pax. Bad things happen in the world. They aren’t all tied to you. Meaning… you don’t cause them. You don’t control them. You understand that, don’t you?”

“You’re kidding, right? The bad things that have happened to us have been directly tied to me, and decisions that I have made.”

“That’s how life is, though,” she says. Her voice is gentle and soothing, and I wonder how much training that entailed… to master just the right tone. “Sometimes, things happen that are out of our control. We must deal with those things, but we shouldn’t push our loved ones away.”

“You don’t understand,” I tell her.

“So help me,” she counters.

“Later. I can’t right now. I’ve had enough today.”

She stands up.

“You have a group therapy meeting in thirty minutes.”

I nod, and she’s gone. She takes the empty coffee cups with her, and leaves me with troubled thoughts.

I miss my wife.

I miss my daughter.

I miss my life.

I sigh, and lay my head down on the pillow.

I don’t mean to fall asleep, but I do, because my body is ragged and exhausted and needs to heal. While I sleep, I dream.

I dream of my wife. My dreams are rich and colorful and filled with her.

When I wake, I feel emptier than I ever have before.