Chapter Thirty-Four
Mila
“Babe?”
The voice coming from the phone is surreal. Husky.
“Pax?” I sit in the nearest chair, and my fingers immediately begin to shake. “Are you ok?”
“Yeah. I… I don’t know what to say. I miss you.”
“I miss you, too,” I tell him quickly. “Are you ok?”
“I’m an addict, Red,” he says solemnly, but he called me Red.
He called me Red. My heart sings with the sound of it.
“I know,” I tell him. “But we can deal with it. We can, Pax.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I abandoned you. I’m so sorry. For everything.”
My throat chokes up. “Does this mean you’re coming home?”
There’s a pause. “Yes. If you’ll have me. As soon as I’m done with the program.”
I cry now. I can’t help it. I sob and my shoulders shake, and Pax tries to comfort me from the other end of the line.
“Babe, it’s ok. Don’t cry. I don’t want you to cry.”
“What changed?” I’m finally able to ask.
“It’s hard to explain,” he answers. “My mom… she just told me that I’m worth it. The journal… Leroy kept a journal. And in the end, he asked her why she was sacrificing herself for me, and she said that I was worth it.”
“You are,” I tell him quickly, and God, this makes my heart break. “You are.”
“So,” he continues. “I’m going to try to come to terms with that. To really understand, I mean, deep down, that I have worth and value. I don’t think I’ve ever believed that was true.”
“Even after we’ve been together?” I ask, confused. How is that possible?
He’s slow to answer. “Not deep down,” he says. “I think I’ve always felt like I didn’t deserve you. Or anything good, actually. That I’d just lucked out that you loved me.”
“That’s not true,” I argue. “I’m the lucky one, Pax.”
“I love you so much,” he tells me, and his voice is broken. I try to imagine what he’s doing. He’s sitting, I think. Hunched over the phone. “I can’t believe I’ve done this. I can’t believe I’m here.”
“Babe, this wasn’t your fault. Please believe that.”
“I’m trying,” he answers. “Will you come on visiting day? To see me?”
“Try to keep me away,” I tell him through my tears. “I was already planning on being there.”
We talk for a little while longer, and my heart threatens to explode with my love for this man. Everything else that has happened fades away, and all that matters is Pax.
“The baby?” he asks. “It’s ok?”
“Yes. We’re both fine. Zuzu is fine. She misses you, but I told her that you’re getting better.”
“I am,” he tells me. “I am. Tell her I’ll be home soon.”