“You’re not staying away,” I tell him quickly, grabbing his hand and holding tight. “Okay. Maybe right now, maybe it makes sense to be apart for a bit. Until you…figure things out. Control yourself. Put that side of you back in the cage for a while. But this isn’t a long-term solution. I won’t allow it.”
“You are not in control here, moonshine.”
“And neither are you!” I yell. “Neither are you, Solon. We’re both at the mercy of what’s inside you. But I’m not going to let you walk away from me and stay that way. Okay? I’m not. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to lose you either. And as long as you still love me just as I love you, I’m not going to give up on us without a fight.”
He stares at me deeply, breathing hard.
“Please,” I go on. “Fight with me. Don’t give up.”
His gaze drops to where I’m holding onto his hand. “How do you suppose we’re supposed to fight this?” he asks quietly.
“I don’t know, but we have to try. You owe me that.”
He closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath through his nose. “Okay. Just tell me what to do.”
“For now, I think…I think it’s best if I stay here. We need some distance. I don’t want to live in fear that the beast might escape. I don’t want to set him off. I need to be ready for the next time. Maybe there’s some magic I can learn. I figured out how to keep you at bay before, I could probably do it again. I just have to be sure.”
His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. “Alright.” He looks to me. “I’m going to have a hard time walking away from you.”
“Even though you just said we shouldn’t be together.”
“I never said it would be easy. Leaving you feels like going against gravity.”
“I know,” I say. “But for now, it’s our best shot. Our only shot. Go back to the house. I’ll stay here. We’ll see what happens after that.”
I know the words that I’m saying. I know that they make sense, that I need space from him, that he needs space from me. They sound so empty and plain coming from my mouth, but it’s absolutely killing me inside that this is what’s happening.
I don’t want to be apart from him.
I want to rewind time so we’re standing back in yesterday.
I want to go back to the moment he told me to run, and I want to run this time, run to save the both of us, run to save our relationship.
But there’s no going back.
There’s just here and now and I’m left with scars over my heart.
Solon places his hand at my cheek and leans in to kiss me and I let the smell of him wash over me, feed my soul, but then that fear is there, the image of the red eyes and the claws and the pain and the blood and I’m pushing him back hard.
“Don’t,” I tell him. “It isn’t wise.”
His eyes go dark and then he raises his chin, squaring his shoulders. Because he knows. He knows that the beast comes out during sex. He knows that kissing could unlock that next step. That our emotions are running too high right now, and that could be a key too.
“You know where I’ll be,” he says.
Then he turns and leaves the room.
And my heart finally falls.
10
Absolon
“Isn’t it time you go home?” Jim asks, stepping outside of the apartment. “Someone is going to call the cops on you.”
“They won’t,” I reply, staring down at the cigar in my hand, the smoke wafting up.
I feel his eyes on me. I reluctantly turn my head to look at him. Jim is far less fiery and stubborn than his wife is. He’s a good father to Lenore, but I do wish he wasn’t so soft. I’d trust her with him more.
“Go home, Absolon,” he says, firmer now. “Lenore knows you’re here.”
“I want her to know I’m here,” I tell him.
“You’re the reason she’s afraid, remember?” he points out.
I don’t need to remember.
It’s been a few days since Lenore returned from her time with Jeremias, after I turned feral and nearly killed her. She’s been staying in her old apartment, I’ve been staying at the house. It’s for the best, I know it is, and yet I can’t help but come here every night. I stand here from dusk to dawn outside their house, just watching, just waiting. I don’t sleep. I haven’t fed in ages. I’m surviving on cigars and tenacity.
I’m fully aware that I’m the reason why Lenore is staying here. I know it was my fault, I know what I did to her. But all of that aside, I can’t let her be here by herself. I know what’s happened to her in the past. There was Atlas Poe on the witch’s guild side, there was Yanik on the vampire side. She had people wanting to kill her and there’s zero doubt in my mind that there’re others out there who want their own chance. Her parents mean well, and they have done well protecting her for her whole life, but not when it truly counted. Their wards didn’t work against me, they didn’t work against Atlas, Yanik easily overtook Jim at the first opportunity.