To Sir, with Love

I sigh, and giving into the inevitable, bring everybody up to speed on both the Sebastian/Bubbles situation and the Sir situation.

“Good God, Gracie,” Robyn sounds horrified. “First, that Sebastian has been lurking around like some vulture waiting to pounce as soon as you fail. And that you’re being catfished.”

“Seriously,” Lily chimes in. “He could be a nineteen-year-old who lives with his mother. Or a forty-eight-year-old.”

“Or not a him at all,” Rachel says. “What if this is a teenage mean girl messing with you?”

“Is nobody on my side here?” I ask.

“I am,” Keva says immediately. “I’ve never seen you as happy as when you found this pen pal guy.” She pauses. “Though, now that I think about it, you did have a distinct glow at that cooking thing with Sebastian.”

“So who are we rooting for?” Robyn asks, looking around the room.

“Neither,” I say. “Sebastian and I are just…” Rivals? Friends? Might have been but will never be?

“He’s seeing someone,” I say, since I honestly don’t know how to explain the complexity of my feelings for the man, or my increasing resentment that he’s pretty flirty for someone who’s hung up on another woman.

On the other hand, am I one to talk? I have feelings for two men, neither of whom are even available.

Except Sir might be.

This, I realize, is what girls’ nights are meant for.

I wait until Keva’s refilled everyone’s drink before bringing the group up to speed on Sir’s single status.

“Well, obviously, you have to meet him,” Keva says.

“You do,” Lily says, surprising me.

“Seriously?” Rachel says to my sister. “That is not what I thought you were going to say.”

Lily shrugs. “I mean, Gracie, if he tells you to go out to his place in Long Island City at 11 p.m. and to bring large garbage bags with you, then yeah, abort mission. But if you’re smart about it and meet him in a bright, public place with plenty of people around, and don’t start the conversation by rattling off your social security number…” She shrugs.

“That’s true,” Robyn chimes in. “It’s really no different than any other dating app in that way.”

“Except she doesn’t know what he looks like,” the ever-skeptical Rachel points out.

“Which is not unlike a blind date,” Keva says.

“I dunno,” Rachel says, picking up one of Keva’s mushroom crostini and nibbling it thoughtfully. “I’m still kind of rooting for the other guy. He sounds hot.”

“But maybe Sir is hot too. She’ll never know unless she meets him,” Keva argues.

“Okay, I’m shutting this down,” I say, making an X motion with my arms. “Neither of them is my guy. Sebastian is unavailable, and even if he weren’t, he’ll lose interest in Bubbles the second he learns we’re not going to move out and let him build his skyscraper. And Sir’s never made the slightest indication that he wants to take our relationship to the next level.”

“Have you ever given him any indication that you might?” Lily asks gently. “I’ve seen how you are around guys, Gracie. You become everybody’s insta best friend, but you don’t realize you give off the vibe that you only want to be friends.”

“That’s not true!” I protest. “Nobody wants a relationship as much as me, you guys know that.”

“Maybe that’s the problem,” Robyn suggests. “You’ve built it up so much in your head that you’re afraid the reality won’t measure up, so you keep everyone at arm’s length. It’s also probably why you’re so attracted to a guy you’ve never met. It lets you preserve that dream.”

“That’s…”

Of all the women in the room, I know Robyn the least. Which is why it’s all the more jarring that she’s just managed to sum up my entire romantic life in one simple, spot-on assessment.

I’ve been priding myself so long on my high standards…

But what if the reality is much less commendable?

What if I’m simply scared to death of being disappointed?

My dear Lady,

I realize our relationship, if I might call it that, is one that’s free of expectation, so I hope this won’t come across as overstepping, but are you okay? I haven’t heard from you in a while and wanted to let you know I’m here.

Yours in concern,

Sir

Fifteen

The higher you fly, the harder you fall.

I never quite understood that phrase, but when you live it? You know.

I’ve run the numbers. I’ve done the math. I’ve repeated the process over and over, praying for a different result, and each time, the reality feels colder and more final.

Surely I’m doing something wrong. Missing something.

I call my brother-in-law.

It says everything about Alec’s character that even though things are tense between him and Lily, even though it’s 2 p.m. in the middle of the workday, he agrees to meet me at Starbucks to double-check my accounting.

I try hard not to look at his face while he studies my laptop and instead focus on enjoying my pumpkin spice Frappuccino. I have to budget my expenses pretty carefully, and Starbucks generally doesn’t fit into my day-to-day, or even weekly, expenditures. I reserve fancy beverages like this one for birthday splurges or celebrations. Today is neither, but when Alec offered to pay, I hadn’t been able to resist.