Lessons in Sin

Before I could argue that point, I was staring at the rigid length of his spine as he stormed away, heading back toward the altar.

I cut a sharp glance in Perry’s direction, his posture stiff and braced for a fight. Giving him a sharp shake of my head, I trailed after Magnus.

He stopped in the aisle and stared up at the huge crucifix on the wall, his gruff voice echoing through the church. “Sometimes, all you need is a leap of faith.”

I needed him alive. Unless faith was a bulletproof vest, I had no use for it.

“I don’t need faith.” I approached his back, my heart shrinking with each word from my mouth. “I have a trust fund. A lot of fucking money waiting for me at home. Security. Luxury. And family. That’s what I need.”

If he were to turn and show me his face, there would be no devotion left for me in those perfect features. I stripped it with my lies. I felt the completeness in his undoing before he spoke.

“I’ve accepted the discipline I’ve earned, but there is only so much correction a heart can withstand. You’re my greatest, most painful punishment, Tinsley Constantine.” He whirled around to face me, shoulders heaving, hands flexing at his sides as he roared, “Get out of my church!”

My feet stuck to the floor as my insides rattled and jarred loose with his outburst. The ratty scraps that held my heart together came apart, leaving a bottomless, blistering chasm.

I shook uncontrollably, unable to hide it. “My mother agreed to let you live, but only if you keep your mouth shut. If you tell anyone about us, Ronan will return for you.”

“Make this fact fast in your mind.” He surged forward, his gaze fracturing as he snarled in my face. “You no longer exist to me. Get out!”

His rage propelled me toward the door, but it was the hurt in his eyes that crushed my heart. The shapeless mass of flesh in my chest continued to beat, thundering unbearably. It beat with ferocious sorrow. It beat to the rhythm of his pain, drumming with chaos and irreparable damage.

Goodbyes were multifaceted things. Some were trivial and temporary. Others were harrowing and permanent.

As I walked away from Magnus Falke, this one shattered my soul, broke me into pieces, and left me for dead.

Being with him had been an ascension to heaven.

Leaving him condemned me to eternal hell.

CHAPTER 36

TINSLEY

Giving him up hadn’t been a choice. It was a duty. A moral obligation. An expression of love.

I’d saved his life.

Didn’t matter how many times I reminded myself of this. I was angry.

I walked amid the cold rooms of the mansion, enraged at the universe. I sat through my daily homeschooling lessons, furious with a god I didn’t believe existed. I spent every night alone, so infuriated with my mother I couldn’t talk to her. Not that she noticed. We shared a residence but never saw each other.

In the weeks and months of missing Magnus, I couldn’t come to terms with how things ended. I would never make peace with it. Losing him had changed me at a fundamental level. Hurting him the way I had turned me into this shell of myself. I would never recover. My existence was a sucking, gutting torment that just wouldn’t quit.

I couldn’t even begin to entertain the idea of being with Tucker Kensington. Not in a friendly way. Certainly not in a sexual way.

But if I refused him, Magnus would die.

If I escaped, if I walked out the door and ran, Magnus would die.

Not that I would get far. My babysitting bodyguard never left my side. My mother had assigned Galen—the middle-aged Black man who had driven me back to the school over Christmas break—to watch me day and night. He was so far up my ass that he’d moved into the bedroom across the hall from mine.

I had no privacy. No space to cry.

What a waste of a good bodyguard. I wasn’t going to run away, and I sure as fuck wouldn’t mess around with boys.

I burned for one man only.

I hadn’t seen him in three months.

Three fucking months.

Daisy sent texts every week. I never asked about Magnus, but sometimes, she mentioned him in passing. She had no idea anything happened between him and me. No one knew. When Justin cleaned out my dorm after Christmas break, he told all the spectators I didn’t like the school and decided not to return.

Magnus had a lot of time on his hands now. No more one-on-one lessons with me. No afternoon punishments. I hoped he was spending that time on himself, searching his heart and figuring out what he wanted.

More than anything, I hoped he wasn’t hurting.

I hoped he didn’t feel the suffering I felt over the past three months.

This was only the beginning. The beginning of the rest of my life without him.