Ruthless Saints

Carson places his hand beneath my chin, nudging my face up until our eyes meet, then he says, “I never have, and I never will take advantage of you. You need painkillers.”

I search his eyes and only seeing the man I love hurts.

Will I ever be able to tie my hermit together with the assassin?

“Nothing strong,” I give in because my chest aches like hell. “I don’t want anything that will cloud my judgment.”

Carson nods, the corner of his mouth lifting.

The sight makes emotions pour into my heart, and the question escapes me, “I can’t… how can you be this caring person with me and then go out there and kill people?”

Carson sits down again, his eyes caressing my face. “This is who I am, Hailey.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “When I’m working a contract, I don’t see the person. I focus on what they’ve done and the reason someone wants them dead.”

I lower my eyes to his hands. They’ve loved me. They’ve brought me pleasure.

Then I remember how quickly Carson killed those men. The confidence and agility he moved with.

“Is it always like what I saw? The fighting?”

“No.” I lift my gaze back to his. “I prefer a long-distance shot. It’s merciful when they don’t see it coming.”

Merciful? Only a ruthless killer would think that way.

“Did you…” I swallow hard on the emotions, hating the question, but still, I ask, “Did you kill anyone since we met?”

He nods, and it rips through me. My face distorts, and I pinch my eyes shut. I don’t know why it hits so hard. Then I remember Zürich, and my eyes fly open. “What happened in Zürich?”

“I killed Joseph Rudaj. You weren’t supposed to be there.”

“The blood on your hand.” I gulp hard. “Was it his?”

Carson nods again, and I turn my face away from him, unable to look at him.

“If only I had known, I wouldn’t have encouraged anything between us. I would’ve left Saint Luc’s immediately.” My words are filled with the blame I’m placing squarely at his feet.

“I know.” He lets out a sigh. “I tried to stay away from you.”

“Not hard enough,” I snap, angry that I’ve been fooled into loving a murderer.

“With everything I had,” he whispers. “I’ll never regret anything we shared. I’ll always love you.”

“And I’ll always regret it.” I scoot away from him.

“Do you still love me?” he asks, and for the first time, I hear heartache shimmering through in his voice.

I press my lips together, my mind and my heart going to war once again. Unable to keep quiet, I say, “I fell for the lie you told me. I can never love a murderer.”

Carson takes hold of my jaw, turning my face to his. Our eyes lock, and I see the raw pain in his. “You fell for the real me, which means you love me.”

I pull free from his hold. “How I feel about you won’t change anything. Do you think I’ll sit here and wait for you while you’re off killing people? Worry about you dying every time you leave? I’ll help you pack your travel bag and guns, then kiss you goodbye at the door? Run into your arms when you return home? Don’t be stupid, Carson.”

“I’m not that easy to kill.”

“Carson!” I yell, desperate for him to hear me. “I am!” I lean closer, pressing a hand against my chest. “I am easy to kill.”

“I won’t let that happen,” he argues.

“It almost did,” I snap.

“Only because I wasn’t armed, and they were. It happened because I was hiding who I am from you. I can promise you no one will ever get close to you again. I can protect you.”

Hopelessly, I shake my head. “It doesn’t change who you are.” I meet his eyes. “It goes against everything I am. You were right. We’re complete opposites, and it will never work between us.”

Chapter 21

CARSON

Two weeks have passed, and I’m still not getting through to Hailey.

She stays in the room and only comes out when it’s to go for a walk. She’s healing fast now.

Alexei and Demitri have been scouring the whole of Europe for anyone with ties to Rudaj.

Soon Hailey will be able to leave, and even though I want to keep her here, I know it will only end up destroying what we had in the beginning, and I need those memories more than ever. It’s starting to sink in that I’ve lost her, the hole in my chest growing with every day we get closer to her leaving.

I’m walking toward the armory when Hailey comes down the stairs. Her eyes land on me, and she stops. For a moment, she hesitates, then she asks, “What’s down there?”

“Come look.”

She’s not scared of me anymore, but that might change when she sees all the weapons. I’m done hiding things from her. If, one day, by some miracle, Hailey comes back to me, it will be knowing exactly who I am.