“You mistake me, Allison. I mean you’re not someone I ever see ugliness from, but your words today aren’t the Allison I know. Is there something I can do to help?”
“I wish,” I grumble. “Sorry if I’m grouchy. It’s not you. I just need…” I trail off and stare out the window. “I don’t know what I need.”
“Maybe you need to stop the fighting.”
I blink. “Stop fighting? I think I need to fight harder. And I’m already so tired of fuh-fighting.” My voice hitches and I take a deep breath.
He’s quiet for a moment and I think he’s going to leave me be but then he continues talking.
“Fight whatever it is that makes you feel this ugliness. Find a way to make amends or wash it away and do not let it matter. This is better than allowing it to gnaw, I think maybe.”
Good point. Jude is getting to me and it’s because I’m allowing it. I need to stop giving so many fucks.
“Good advice,” I say softly. “Distract me. Tell me what’s happening with you. Did your son do well with the spelling bee?”
“He won!” Ash exclaims.
“That’s wonderful, Ash!”
Ash moved here from a small country in South Asia several years ago. He has five children, but he’s a widower. His deceased wife’s parents live with him, and he supports all of them by driving taxi with a side-business doing renovations and handyman services on the weekends.
Three weeks ago, his mother-in-law had to go into the hospital for eye surgery and I took a personal day so I could stay at his house and babysit his three sons and two daughters for the day. His kids loved me. It was my idea and he was shocked about it. He liked me before. Now, he treats me like a little sister.
He’s a wise, kind man who doesn’t just dole out advice for the sake of hearing his own voice. I find that when he speaks, he speaks words that deserve to be heard.
“Ash, can you give me a business card for your side hustle?” I ask. “My problem might go away if I get you to give a certain someone a quote on some renovations, which might soon get him out of my apartment.”
“With pleasure.” He reaches up to his visor and passes me his card. “But perhaps he is not the problem.”
“The only way he’s not the problem is if I am. And you know me, Ash-buddy. I am not a problem.”
“Hm.”
“Don’t you turn on me, too!”
“Also do not turn on yourself, Allison.” He waves his index finger.
My chest burns.
“My name isn’t Allison,” I whisper. “Every time you say that name to me with your kind voice I feel like an imposter. I don’t wanna keep feeling this way.”
We’ve pulled up to the side of my office building.
Ash passes me the clipboard with the CC charge account slip for me to sign. His eyes are filled with concern. Concern, but no judgement.
“But I can’t tell anyone that. Just call me Ally, okay? I love that you have a special name for me, thinking you’re calling me by the name my mom gave me, but that’s not what she gave me, so it feels like I’m lying to you and being dishonorable to my mom, and you’re my friend. I don’t wanna lie to my friends any more than I have to.”
His expression softens even further.
“Ally is your name?”
“Sort of.”
“Okay, Ally. If you need to talk, you can always talk to me. You don’t have to lie to me at all. I can keep my mouth quiet.”
“Thank you,” I whisper. “Most cabbies can.”
I sign the charge slip and pass the clipboard back to him.
***
“So, I think Japan might not be a terrible idea,” I say.
“It’s three months, maybe six,” Tori replies, “which is longer than I’d normally recommend, but it’s Japan so it’s far away from your troubles. And I’ll hunt for your next assignment while you’re there. It’ll be ten k for this referral.”
“No sweat,” I say, “But…”
I appreciate Tori, but she is all about two things. Risk management and money.
“But?”
“Get me all the details and I’ll confirm before you pull the trigger.”
“Are you telling me to go ahead while you’re having second thoughts? Indecision is dangerous, A.”
“Um…”
“If you want me to set it up without pulling the trigger, it’s twenty-five per cent as the kill fee if you change your mind.”
“Okay.”
“This is once. I don’t do twice, though. Two kill fees don’t just cost me time and money, they could cost me connections. I don’t sacrifice my connections for anybody because any one of them can save a life. If you put me through the work, you’ll only get one second chance. If you try it again, I no longer know you. Okay, A?”
Oh shit.
“Roger that, T.”
“I’ll set it up and you let me know no later than Wednesday. Is that enough time?”