Companion 3000

“That ‘oversized dildo’ has a name—it’s Pierce,” she said, fixing her best friend with a glare. “And he happens to be the single best purchase I have ever made, hands down.”

“Well.” Clearly Schneider was at a loss for words. But not for long. “I can’t believe you already named him!” he exclaimed, tail lashing harder than ever.

“I didn’t.” Leita smiled as she poured boiling water from the warmer into a small bowl filled with purple granules and watched them melt into goo. “He came already named.”

“What? You spend thousands of credits you can’t afford and you don’t even get to name him?” Schneider sounded incredulous. “I don’t know, Leita—that doesn’t sound right. It says clearly on the website that you get to pick the name.”

“That’s with the Companion 2000 series,” Leita said, stirring the purple goo with a spoon. “Pierce is a prototype of the 3000 series—that’s why he’s here instead of what I ordered. I was picked in a random drawing to receive him.”

“Don’t you think if that was true the dildo factory would have notified you?” Schneider demanded. “Instead of just sending you an upgrade at random?”

“Oh, Schneider, stop being such a killjoy,” Leita snapped. “Why do you always have to pick everything apart? Pierce is here and I’m happy he is.” She waved the spoon which dripped purple goo at her friend. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t need you too, or that you and I won’t be friends anymore. He’s a cyborg, Schneider—he’s not going to come between us.”

Schneider sniffed loudly, clearly not mollified. “Well, I just don’t like it. The whole things smells—just like your new sex toy!”

“Who smells like what?” Pierce walked into the room, a towel draped dangerously low on his lean hips. Leita bit her lip at the sight of his muscular, hairy chest. He was drying his thick, short brown hair with another towel and he looked disarmingly human.

“Um, your dinner smells. Good, I think,” she improvised, holding the bowl of purple paste out to him. The nutrient goo did give off a certain chemical-like odor and when Pierce lowered his head to sniff at it, he wrinkled his nose.

“No offense, honey,” he said carefully. “But what in the blue hell is that stuff?”

“Well, it’s your nutrient paste. See?” Leita pointed to the five-pound bag that was still quite full of purple powder. “Your manual says you’re supposed to love it.”

Pierce nodded. “Oh, the manual again. You know, that manual, it’s really for a 2000 series Companion. Uh, I mean, I don’t know what idiot packed it in with me instead of the 3000 series manual but there’s a lot of changes—a lot of differences between me and the old 2000s.”

Leita raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms over the soft red robe she was wearing. “Such as?” she asked pointedly.

“Such as we don’t live on purple cream of crap,” Pierce clarified, nodding at the bowl she held. “It, uh, gums up our works. We eat regular food just like, um, humans.” He smiled at her. “Of course, I can cook for myself if you just show me where the grub is. Cook for you too, if you want. I don’t expect you to take care of me or wait on me hand and foot.”

“Well, that’s a relief, seeing as Leita is the one who ordered you through the mail and not the other way around,” Schneider remarked acidly.

Pierce ignored him. “Just show me the food synthesizer or if you don’t have one of those, a stove will do fine,” he said. “I’m, uh, programmed to cook either way. One of my extra features.”

Leita frowned thoughtfully. “No, you sit. I’ll cook because I like it, not because I’m waiting on you.” She turned to the cold food storage unit and began pulling out some irradiated eggs that were produced by cloned chickens. Not all of Old Earth’s species had been lost to the mists of time. Genetic clones of the more useful animals were still popping up all over the galaxy. “How do you like your eggs?” she asked.

“Scrambled is fine,” Pierce said easily. “But are you sure there’s nothing I can do?”

“Apparently not, unless it has to do with sex,” Schneider observed snidely.

“Schneider!” Leita was really getting fed up with his attitude but Pierce only turned to her best friend, a little smile quirking at the corner of his mouth.

“Say, buddy, you don’t like me much, do ya?”

“My, such keen powers of observation.” Schneider sat on his hind legs and began grooming his whiskers. “Whatever gave you that idea, Captain Dildo?”

“Maybe the way you keep referring to me as a ‘dildo’,” Pierce said, still keeping his temper in what Leita considered an impressive display of self-control. Then she reminded herself he was probably programmed to keep his temper, no matter what. Still, the muscle working in the side of his jaw looked so real she could almost believe that he was holding himself back on purpose.