His words hit me with such a force that I stumble on my feet. I have to reach for the side of my desk to steady my balance. "You don't mean that."
"You can't see it." He reaches out to grab hold of my hand. "You've never been able to see it."
He's wrong. I've seen glimpses of desire over the years but they've always been fleeting. "Why haven't you told me before now?"
He rubs his fingers over the top of his lip. "When you were a senior in college I made a trip to see you."
I can't push my mind back to that place right now. "I don't remember."
"It was during semester break." He reaches towards me, brushing his fingers against my cheek. "Asher had sent me a picture of the two of you. God, you looked amazing. Your hair was pinned on top of your head and you were staring right at the camera."
I wish I could remember the image. Asher had taken hundreds of pictures in college to document his time there. I'd made him delete dozens because he'd caught me, and many of my friends, off guard.
"I'm sorry. I can't remember what picture that is."
"I'll never forget that photograph." He throws his head back briefly before he looks at me again. "I came to tell you that I couldn't stop thinking about you. I knew you were set to graduate and I was panicked that since you weren't accepting our job offer, that you'd take a position across the country or on the other side of the world."
"So you came to see me?" I know I sound utterly confused because that's exactly how I feel. I remember virtually every conve
rsation I've ever had with him. I don't remember seeing him during semester break of my senior year.
"I did." He rubs the pad of his thumb across my bottom lip. "I wanted to kiss you so badly. I had it all planned out."
"You didn't?" I can't contain a smile.
His tongue darts out over his lips. "I had planned to tell Asher to have you standing in a spot where you'd see me approaching across the quad."
I nod silently.
"You'd see me and you'd wave and as I got closer, you'd realize that I was holding that stuffed bear you used to sleep with when you came to the house in the Hamptons. I still have that thing in my apartment."
My eyes fill with tears. As much as I don't want to cry, I can't quell the emotional roller coaster I feel myself riding. "You have it?"
He cradles my cheek in his palm. "You'd see the bear and you'd see my face and you'd feel everything that I feel."
I close my eyes wanting the world to whisk me back to that day. "That never happened. I was never on the quad with Asher."
"When I called to tell him that I was coming, he told me about Tom." He swallows hard. "He told me you were in love and happy. He said you were so happy."
I was. I thought I was. I did love Tom as much as I could before I realized that his addictions would always be his first love. "I was happy then."
"I went to Europe so I wouldn't get in the way." His eyes wander to the wall behind me. "I wanted to come there and tell you that he was wrong for you, but I couldn't do that, Bell. I called and wished you and Tom well instead because I just wanted to hear your voice. It killed me that I missed my chance."
I stare at him while I try to piece together the disjointed pieces of that time in my life. Tom and I were planning our future then. We'd already started looking at apartments. I believed he was my happily-ever-after until months later when I truly understood the depth of his dependence on cocaine.
"I met Vena right after that," he says quietly. "I hooked up with her because she filled an empty spot."
"You loved her. You were going to marry her." I drop my gaze to the floor.
"I don't think I ever really loved her." His chest expands as he pulls in a deep breath. "I used her to forget about you."
Chapter 43
When Tom left me, I wanted Caleb. I can't pretend that isn't my reality. I met a man right after the break up and I slept with him on our second date just so I could feel something. The entire time I was in bed with him, Caleb was in my thoughts. I didn't close my eyes and imagine it was Caleb fucking me. That wouldn't have worked even if I wanted it to. The man didn't look like him, he smelled nothing like Caleb and the size of his body wasn't comparable in the least, but he did give me something I needed. He took me to a place for a little more than an hour where my emotional pain ceased to exist. I was grateful and we dated a few times after that but it didn't fill the void that Tom left.
When all that dust settled, and I was finally alone, I wanted to talk to Caleb. I called him and instead of returning my call, he'd come to see me. The very first words out of his mouth were about Vena. He brought her to meet me the very next day. He looked content and excited and when he left my apartment with her, I'd cried not for the loss of what could have been. It wasn't about that. Back then I was mourning the loss of my own dream of being with Tom and Caleb's apparent happiness only punctuated the pain I was already in.
"You were happy when you told me that you were getting married." My arms wrap around my waist. I'm trying to shelter myself. I feel it. "You were planning your wedding."