"Sasha told me she talked to you about him." She hands me the remaining piece of pretzel. "She told you that I kissed Thomas."
I nod. "She did."
"That’s not what happened." She sighs heavily. "He kissed me when I walked out of the kitchen. I thought you were there to see me."
"Me?"
"Sasha came to the back and said that a gorgeous man in a suit wanted to talk to me." Her hand taps my leg. "You're the only gorgeous man in a suit I want to talk to."
I feel sudden elation at the words. I don't need confirmation that Jessica loves me. I see it every day when I wake up next to her. I feel it in her kiss and in the way she holds my hand. "I like being that guy. I want to always be that guy."
"I made so many mistakes, Nathan." Her hand reaches for mine. "I wish I could redo parts of my life."
I hold her hand tightly in mine as people rush past us, oblivious of the weight of the conversation we're having. "I have that same wish, Jessica. I think most people do."
"Maybe." She glances at me. "It's different for me."
"Why?" I squeeze her hand, encouraging her to let it out. I want her to confess. I want her to crack open and let everything out that she's been holding tightly to.
"I was so young." She shakes her head. "I thought I knew everything about love back then."
Love. It's the first time that word has popped up when she's been talking about Thomas. "Did you love him?"
Her gaze catches mine for a brief moment. I see the confusion in her brow. She pushes her hair back from her face before she responds, "Who?"
I take more comfort in her response than I should. I'm certain that she's just confused if I'm talking about Thomas or Josh. Right now, I don't give a shit. I want the only man who has ever owned her heart to be me. I'm greedy like that. I want that to be our reality even if it's completely unrealistic. "Thomas," I answer because I have to. I can't stall this conversation because of my own insecurities.
"Can you love someone before you know yourself?"
I don't know the answer. "I didn't love myself before I met you." That's my truth. I was never in love with anyone until Jessica pulled me out of my selfish shell and showed me what love was.
"I don't know if I even love myself now." Her shoulders surge forward a touch with the words. "Maybe I've never loved myself."
"You're an amazing person." I inch closer to her on the bench before I pull my arm around her shoulders. "You're the best person I know."
"I'm not." She shakes her head so swiftly from side-to-side that her hair bats against my shoulder. "I'm not a good person, Nathan."
I squeeze her body into mine, trying to will away all her self-doubts. I've seen this side of her before. She's long blamed herself for Josh's grandfather's death. Jessica was alone with him when he suffered a massive heart attack. She believed the medical training she had as a paramedic should have been enough to bring him back from the edge of death. The truth was that no one could have saved the man's life. The problem was that Josh drilled his version of reality into her brain for months after. She still blames herself for that death. I see the same self-loathing seeping out of her now.
"You're going to tell me I'm wrong." Her hand juts out into the air as if to stop me from speaking. "This time I'm right though. I've done things that good people wouldn’t do."
I want to believe her words but I know from experience that she always views things from the edge of drama. She's likely making a mountain out of what I would consider a lowly molehill. I'm not going to insult her by telling her she's exaggerating. "We all make mistakes, Jessica."
She moves slightly so she can face me directly on the bench. "My mistakes aren't like your mistakes."
"I can't compare," I offer. "You haven't told me about yours."
She recoils slightly as if the words burn through her. She holds her composure though. "What if you leave me?"
"Have you fucked him since you've been with me?" I need to ask. It's a question that's been hanging on the edge of my tongue since I found out he was back in her life.
She doesn't answer immediately. Her fingers tap on mine. "What do you think, Nathan?"
Her constant refusal to answer a question with a question is alluring at times. It's fun and speaks to her need to protect her heart. Right now, in this instant, it's doing nothing but fuel my overactive imagination. "No questions, Jessica. Just tell me. Have you fucked him since you've been with me?"
"No." There's absolutely no hesitation in the word. It's calm, it's controlled and it's heard loud and clear.
Chapter 12