I nod. I do need him but I won't call. I made the choice to let him go and now I have to watch him leave knowing he's on his way to meet someone else. My heart breaks apart again. I'll put it back together. I always do. Maybe this time I'll get it right and Crew won't be holding most of the pieces.
***
A couple of hours turned into four and by then I was too tired to eat anything more than a bowl of cereal. I ate that, alone in my room, with my gaze trained to my phone.
I was tempted to reach out to Crew to ask when he'd be back, but he knows my number. If he felt the need to get in touch, he would have.
It's after two now, and I'm wide awake. I've opened the curtains and windows in my room to let the cool breeze and sounds of the night seep in. I thought that would help lull me back to sleep, but it hasn't.
I'm tempted to wander down the hallway that leads to the other wing of the house. I want to see if Crew is back. I didn't hear his car pull up but I didn't hear it when he took off hours ago either.
I watched him leave, without a glance back at me, wondering if I'd misjudged how easily either of us could go back to being just friends.
I swing my legs over the side of the bed and stand on the cool wood floor. I'm wearing white lace panties and a pink tank top. Normally, I sleep without a shirt, but I was fearful that I might have a nightmare and Crew would come bounding in my room to find me in tears and topless.
I pick up my phone from the nightstand and glance at the screen. The only messages are from Sydney and Ellie from earlier this evening. Both asking if I'm having fun and, naturally, Ellie is worried that I forgot sunscreen. I ignored both messages when they first came in. I will until morning.
I walk to the window and look out but the darkness is infinite and unrelenting. I can't see beyond the edge of the wraparound deck. The small white lights that hang from the railing are swaying gently with the wind.
I move to the door, opening it slowly. I didn't bring a robe and my sweatpants are still on my bed back home, next to the shampoo and conditioner I planned on packing. As always, Crew had taken care of that. The bathroom that's attached to my bedroom here has everything I could need including the expensive Matiz hair products I rarely allow myself to buy.
I pad down the hallway toward the main room. I can tell the only light that is shining is the one I left on. It's on a small table next to the sofa by the fireplace. I thought if Crew came home, he'd need it to guide his way into the kitchen and beyond to his room.
I approach the front door and peek out through the glass that borders it. I can't see anything. No car, no Crew, just vast darkness beyond the lights that border the driveway.
A twisted knot settles in my stomach when I turn back around. There's no sign that Crew is here. His keys aren't on the foyer table where they normally are. My sandals are still right in the path of the doorway where I left them. He's tripped over them twice since I got here which is why I keep putting them in the very same spot. He curses, I laugh and then he winks at me. That happened before this afternoon, before I shut him out as anything but my friend.
What if everything we had is now broken beyond repair?
Panic washes over me.
"Crew?" I call out into the empty house. "Crew. Please be here."
I wait to hear the sound of distant footsteps or his voice, but there's only dense silence surrounding me.
I close my eyes against the onslaught of conflicting emotions that hit me suddenly and violently.
I stumble toward the fireplace, my toes sweeping against the edge of the light gray area rug.
If he's not here that means he's still with the nameless woman he met for a drink hours ago.
He likes to drink, but even Crew wouldn't still be in a bar. He would have taken the party somewhere else.
I cover my face with my hands and kneel down, trying to stop the tears.
This is exactly what I wanted, but the pain is blinding. I pushed him away earlier to avoid this, but it's already too late. I'm in deeper than I've ever been before and this time I don't have a safety net. Before we kissed, I could convince myself it was for the best to stay at arm's length. I could make my heart shut up by dating other men. Now that I've tasted his mouth and felt his hand on my skin, it's impossible to push aside what I feel.
I don't even know why I kissed him. I promised myself I wouldn't. I knew where this would go, but my strength was tattered that night. I was weak, too fragile to see the consequences clearly.
Now, he's with another woman, kissing her the way he kissed me. Touching her in the same way I've ached for.
I held a piece of his heart no one else ever has. I was his best friend until I wanted more. Now, it feels like I've lost that too.
I was fooling myself when I thought nothing would change. Everything is different.
I roll to my side, my body jerking with
each sob I can't contain. Grief courses through me. I pushed away the only person who has always been there for me. He's my rock, the sole constant in my life that keeps me anchored.