Risk (The Men of Matiz 1)

"She would love it and you will do it." She rests her index finger against the glass. "Remember the first time the three of us came here together? You ran up every flight of stairs in that building over there to prove to yourself that you were fit enough to be a police officer."

I smile. "I am fit enough, but that's not all they consider."

She smooths her hand over my hair. "They have so many applicants that only a small percentage of people sneak through. You'll have an advantage after today. It sounds like you nailed your interview."

I did. I'm confident that I'll get the job. I went into the office with all of my knowledge of the law and my experience to back me up. It's a temporary administrative position but it's something. I'll need to give up my job at Matiz if I'm offered this job, but I can deal with the cut in pay. I have some savings to fall back on and thankfully we live in a rent controlled building. I'll thank Crew for that when I tell him that I've accepted a new position with the NYPD.

"I know that you don't want to talk about the advice that Wolf gave you the other day, but did it help?"

I gaze out at the city and the moon beyond the skyline. "He's a grief counselor, so he understands loss better than anyone I've ever talked to. He told me that there's no time limit for mourning."

"That's true," she murmurs. "Everyone is different."

"I told him about Annie as soon as he explained what he does for a living. I asked him if he gets that a lot."

"I bet he does."

I turn to look at her. "He said that he loves helping people and he believes that talking about death can help celebrate life."

She moves so she's sitting next to me. "What else did Wolf say?"

"I told him about Paris." I feel the tears sting my eyes before I feel the lump in my throat. "He thinks it might be helpful for me to go one year on her birthday. I told him that I couldn't do that."

"Because you feel guilty?"

I drop my gaze to my lap as tears stream down my face. "Yes. It was Annie's dream to go. If I go now, I'll feel bad that she's not with me."

"Her heart was selfless, Bean." She reaches for my hand. "She'd want you to go. She'd want you to forgive yourself too. Annie would tell you that she didn't die because of you."

Adley was almost as close to Annie as I was. After our father had died, Adley's family took us both in. They nurtured us and included us in every Christmas, Fourth of July and Thanksgiving celebration.

They sat in the front pew when I walked Annie down the aisle on the day of her wedding. They came to the hospital when Annie had her twins and then again eighteen months later when she added another baby girl to her family.

They were also there, beside me, when we said goodbye to my sister. They held me at the funeral and helped to guide me through my life since.

I wipe the tears from my cheeks. "I wish I wouldn't have left her alone that morning, Ad. When I stopped by her place and she told me she had a headache, I agreed when she asked me to get her some ibuprofen from the pharmacy. If I had stayed with her instead, I would have known. She would still be alive."

"Ellie," she says my name soothingly. "The doctor told us that it was so fast. Even if you would have been right beside her, it was too late. You couldn't have changed anything. No one could have."

I push my hair from my face. "I don't believe that."

"I'll tell you what I believe." Her eyes search mine. "I think fate put you in that store that day so you could save that baby. That was your destiny that morning."

"That means that Annie's destiny that day was to die?" I whimper. "How is that fair?"

"Life isn't fair." She touches my cheek. "One life was lost that day and one was spared. We don't get to decide who pulls what straw."

A light knock at the door draws both our eyes across the room.

"That's Annie's birthday cake." Adley taps my knee. "We're going to sing Happy Birthday in French to our big sister and then we're going to spend the weekend remembering her together."

"Okay." I nod. "I'll try for Annie."

"That's all she would have wanted, Bean."

***

"What's my favori